why in tarnation would jasper want an english yew?

inspired by semi-sleep sleeping thoughts.

im trying to think of the best way to begin this. i suppose i'll start like this. . .when i was younger, i used to have these absolutely absurd dreams. the object in my dreams, that i remember vividly, was popcorn, but it varied from night to night, nap to nap. yet, popcorn is certainly one i recall. well, in this dream, with this popcorn, i was terrified. i have never been able to pinpoint exactly which, but the popcorn was either too large for me to grab a hold of because i could only touch a small portion, or it was either drastically smaller and i was the gigantic one. no matter how many times i had these dreams, i would wake up screaming. one day in particular, i remember dene [my mom's fiancee at the time] came running upstairs to wake me because i was yelling for my mom. i was yelling for my mom all because of this popcorn kernal that was not equal in size to me [in whatever way].

i don't have those dreams often anymore, but sometimes, if i'm in the right state of mind, right before i go to sleep...i begin to feel overwhelmed by this change in perspective. this 'not being able to hold the popcorn properly' sort of feeling. but now, the scenery has changed. in my more recent semi-sleep dreams, im acres away from anyone. im lying in a field the size of ten football fields, sinking into the ground, and no one is around. but im so happy. laying in my bed, i feel the walls melt away, the ceiling....chaucer--my bear--and im just there. everything is entirely out of perspective, but im not scared at all anymore, im just safe.

if that makes any sense at all.
la di da.

i promise one day you'll make your debut.

tom stoppard wrote a play called the real thing. it opened in new york city on january 5, 1984 at the plymouth theatre. it was directed by mike nichols. ive been reading it over and over the past few days.
when i read a good book, see a good play, watch a phenomenal movie...i process through it and then i want to talk about it. talk about it constantly. talk about it with other people and how it affected them. how they saw it. what insight they can help me see into it that i cant see with my experiences.
this post catalogues a conversation i had with david about it about how a mysterious copy of the real thing got onto the bookshelf.

[david playing his psp. he doesnt look up]
heather [holding up a copy of stoppard's play]: hey. do you know what this is?
silence.
heather: david. did you ever have to buy this for class?
david [not looking up]: buy what?
heather: this play. have you ever read it before.
david glances to play.
david: no. ive never seen it before.
heather: do you know what it is?
david [still looking at video game]: no.
heather: are you sure?
david: yes.
heather: do you know who tom stoppard is?
david [continually engrossed in video game]: yes.
heather: have you ever read any tom stoppard?
david: yes.
heather: have you ever read this play?
david: no
heather: have you read arcadia?
david: no.
heather: have you read rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead?
david: no.
heather: night and day? jumpers? travesties? the invention of love? the coast of utopia? co-wrote the screenplay for shakespeare in love?
david [enamored by his psp]: no, no heather. that doesn't interest me like it does you.
heather: oh, okay.

fin.

"heather, please line your eyes with bat goo"

cindy lee mcdevitt. i love you. [this must be whole-heartedly understood]. for you, my dear mother, are a funny, crazy lady...in every schizophrenic sense of the word. and this is for you.

my mom chastises me about the mundane things in life...brushing my hair, doing my make-up, showering daily, and mainly, my clothes. she says im not her daughter. but on the contrary, i am. my mom is very surface oriented. she cares about what people think and say and do. which is fine. it brings her pleasure to know people think well of her [or hurts her if not] so by all means, let her care.

so in the spirit of the christmas season just passed, i thought i would humor my mom. i thought i would wear eye liner...define my features for once. "care about my appearance," as my mother says.

so i did.

and i suppose i looked beautiful, in whatever way that's defined. or atleast the way it's defined by my mother. [i call her mom, by the way]. and then...
then i watched it's a wonderful life. for the first time. oh dear me have mercy. it's beautiful.
it made me cry.
no, that's an understatement. it made me...wail, blubber...sob. if those even begin to encompass the emotion i was feeling.
all while i was honoring my mother with eye liner.

so i left my friend's house where i watched the movie and promptly drove to borders to see if i could...i dont even remember what i wanted to do, i just wanted to stop bawling over this movie.

now bear in mind when i go to borders...i go to borders...i was in there for about a good 25 minutes and then i had to pee. [i always have to pee when i go to borders...i think it's something in the air].
so i walk to the bathroom and after setting off the bathroom stealer alarm for trying to take my books in there...i finally get into the bathroom. i use it and then go to wash my hands.

dear me. what the hell.
i had black and blue streaming down my face. noticable, defined lines of black and blue. i looked like a chick right out of richard thompson's song. forget bette davis eyes...lovely.

thank you mother. i am sincerely sure i would have made you so proud in front of that mirror. emo eyes and all.
so with that said, i suppose the point of this entire blog is to say, screw you mom. i love you more than life, but screw you. you'll just have to respect my barely-mascared blue eyes and non-dyed hair and old lady-like clothes that you would never wear...i love you mom.

its actually a bit small from this angle.

something that ive been considering in the past month or so is perspective. its just interesting how you see something pending where you are. i know that sounds mundane, and in a way it is, but honestly, its something i feel i overlook often.

the thing that got me thinking about this was the price of gas. im not complaining about the price of gas, i don't see any use in it. but honestly, its something i feel spells out this point. a few years ago, none of us would have said $2.50 for gas was "cheap." but lo and behold, here we are, in the weeks prior and to this day, "man, gas is cheap."

so that was a tangent to express my point. something else that i realized was yesterday when i was flying back from san antonio [side note: amazing weekend, amazing city, amazing period.] as we were flying, i looked out the window at the neighborhoods. they were miniscule. again, i know that sounds obvious, but it made me realize something. i got to thinking about the people that were in these miniscule neighborhoods. how much time and effort they put into their middle class house and merecedes. but from my perspective, there was no distinction. i could not tell the rich neighborhoods from the "hoods" themselves.

i dont exactly know what i think when ive been thinking about this, but its certainly put me outside my box. in a surreal way. ill try and elaborate on this more in the coming week, and to you will, i promise i will write more in the coming week.

garbanzo beans are delicious.

my mind is racing but my body is so weary right now. i am contemplating dropping a class. i am contemplating dropping my costuming class. i dont know why, but i think it might be better.

i was driving home from the library this morning at 3 am [3 hours ago as it is currently 5:54 here in beautiful knoxville] and i was just overwhelmed with emotion. i think most of it stemmed from the fact that mark text messaged me tonight. i think his message was the icing on the cake. my friends astound me. every last single one of them. people in general astound me. i am constantly grateful for the goodness of people. i absolutely love people. in the past week i have certainly seen what john meant. i have been extremely well-loved by others and i am very grateful.
i want to type out every name and a personalized thank you to each and every one, and i think will when the time comes [the time that is not filled with papers and costuming deadlines and readings and plays and more plays and continually more plays].

i just want everyone to know that i am beyond thankful. beyond words for the gratitude of my friends. each and every one of you are beautiful and fantastic. even in the mess of this world and the muck of our lives, you all are constantly beautiful.

and we used to be so ambitious.

oh i could honestly scream. i have been what one would call a 'mixed bag' of emotions lately. im sad about david leaving. im excited about the opportunities that the air force holds for him. im relieved for his leaving so i can get my work done. and after today, im pissed and confused.
it takes a good bit of something to make me pissed and today, that good bit was breached.

in all of this air force jazz with david, i have tried to take a backseat to what david was going through. i have tried to keep the questions and comments to a bare minimum because i know how david is about being interrogated. but today, david calls me on my 15-minute break from class to tell me that he opted out of signing a 4-year contract to sign a 6-year one.

[dead silence]

"why?"
"because i thought it was the better option."
"yah, but WHY?"

explanations ensue about the length of training and such and nearly by the end of the 4 years, most people are stuck with the question of signing another contract of 4 years and continuing to 8 or leaving the air force at 4 years with little to no experience.

[dead silence]

"okay."

no, no heather, that's not okay. tell him what you actually think. and i did. i got home and told i was honestly to gracious pissed off at him. i am pissed off that he did not consider asking me and that signed away two more years of OUR lives. throughout this entire process, david has been hazy on what exactly he will be doing and where he will be doing it. he is not clear on anything except the fact that he leaves tomorrow at 6 am for san antonio. and he signed on the dotted line for 6 years.
i am trying so hard to be supportive, but honestly, today, im confused and hurt.

"well, i did not sign a contract for you."
jesus, please meet me here. please, lord god, breathe life into this situation and come in between us. help this make sense and hold my hand down whatever path this is pointing cause i certainly know that i do not know.

i could always turn around and flee.

so this is ridiculously lame. i have a tendency to cry at fairly mundane things. examples would be target commercials, danny's end speech on full house, tree houses, butterflies, most woodland creatures, making whipped cream, windexing the counter, and apparently, now LOST.

i have not been an adamant LOST watcher. well, i watched seasons 1 and 2 about two years ago and i recently got season 3. mmm...and ive been watching it. like seriously watching it.

and apparently there is this episode where they concentrate on sun's past and when she goes and meets jin's father, who is a fisherman. oh good night. and the flowing of tears ensues.
he was such a joyous man. he was so excited to see sun and he asked her...he asked her how the wedding was.

oh dear me. jin's father was so sweet. i dont even know why i am writing this, but i was reminded of my dad. i love my father, so much. and i miss him, so much. in my mind, he is a great man. whenever i think of him, i think of sunny skies and friday afternoons. i think of me getting sick at school and him coming to pick me up in his suit. he then took me to hospital and bought me a pink bunny [my mom actually bought me the 'mommy' pink bunny that matched and they didnt even know each other was buying them!!!]. i recall another night when i was sick and he bathed me. i was half-asleep. he built me a treehouse out his barehands. he also made a dresser and a coat rack. he took apart his car and rebuilt it. it was beautiful.
it later became the car he took his life in.

i miss him. i love him. i am so thankful for his life. i am so thankful that when i think of my father, he is a strong and endearing man. i love looking at pictures of him. he was so generous and so handsome, if i do say so myself [and i do]. i am glad that i never had harsh adolescent fights with him. he is a great man.

gracious oh goodness. i miss that man. i cannot wait to see him and hug him.

you kissed me once under the oak tree.

fourteen. 14. four and ten. eleven and three. nine and five. fourteen.
fourteen days until david leaves.

there have been ridiculous amounts of questions concerning his move and our relationship. and i would love to answer everyone: i dont know.
i think thats okay. i dont know. i know that david and i will be apart for atleast a year. perhaps more depending on school here in tennessee.

he's excited. im numb. after weeks and weeks, im still numb. i am sitting here trying to type what i am feeling and thinking, and garbage is coming out. i think i am sounding angry, im not angry, im numb.
numb. to feel nothing. to lack emotion. to lack response.
yes, i am lacking response. thank you, webster.

i have a tendency to get hermit-ish and burrow away. maybe this will dig me out, or bury my deeper.
i trust that god has a plan in this, whatever and wherever it may be.

rammmmbllezz

oh, please dont listen to the banshee.

i am listening to satan's lies today. i am feeling plain. i am feeling worthless. i am not captivating.

i am freakin' whining.

in the spirit of the aviator.

i feel i should jump on the 'dark knight' blogging bandwagon. and for good reason. tonight i saw the dark knight for the third time. ridiculous, i know. but honestly, brilliant. my friends, ethan and clint, have both written blogs recently pertaining to the anarchist ideals of the joker. in a perverted fashion, the joker does make a point that i feel is a very valid one. morals are corrupt. plans are corrupt. they will fail and they will crumble. and i feel that many people will misunderstand me when i say morals. i am a lover of jesus, but i do not feel that christianity is a true reflection of a relationship with christ. christianity is plans. it is guidelines that we put ourselves up against in order to judge our standing and progress.

the joker was right. "you have all these rules and you think they'll save you." oh they wont. we create a box for ourselves, boundaries, grounds that if we keep up with, we validate ourselves as okay. the joker shows two-face "how pathetic [the] attempts to control things really are."
its so true. if we create plans, if we create boundaries, we are living in a cage. we are living in christianity--religion. relationship versus religion. the difference is huge. one is a damp mine with no air while the other is a freedom and joy that is indescribable.

lastly, i feel that the end of the movie summed it up fairly well. "Sometimes, truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

perhaps im talking in circles, or too far-fetched, but it certainly makes sense in my non-nonsensical mind.

it caused a mudslide on the banks of the operator

i think that the past week of my life can be described as numb. i find it strange, yesterday at church, my friend jill asked me how i was doing. she is one of my closer friends at church and her and i have similar backgrounds with our mothers, and long story short, when she asks me how i am doing, she is really asking me. and i really responded. i said i was numb and tired. david was sitting beside me and my friend corey on the other side and i felt trapped. i didn't want to answer openly and honestly. so i just stuck with my answer "numb and tired." then david chimed in. "we stayed up really late last night."

no. i wasn't, i am not, physically exhausted. this summer has been a physical paradise for me. i dont have a job, i am resting my body to a gluttonous point. my exhaustion is rooted in something deeper.

i am mentally and emotionally exhausted. in that single moment, in that single question, i realized how much i need god. this past week has been a distant week for me. god, i know, is not distant from me. i am distant from him. and myself for that matter. and when i become distant from christ, i become numb. and then the self-evaluations start and the ridicule that i give myself. i just need christ. and its becoming less of a need and more of a want. i do not want to lead my own life. i am a terrible pilot, possibly even a terrible co-pilot. but perhaps i should give the latter a chance, then potentially become a simple passenger. i dont know. i think thats alright, though.

she took us down to the edge of decatur

i think in the past week my life has been coming to a head. it's quite strange. and honestly, it keeps my head spinning at unheard of speeds. in particular, my mother. i try so hard to love her as best as i can. when she was homeless, i tried to take her in, but her personality is so overbearing and dominating, that she makes it very hard. and for fairness, i know that she is sick, she is very sick. but its so difficult. i wish i could say with a clean conscience that i am a faithful lover to my mother and a consistent sister in christ. i am not. i am not at all.

i dont understand schizophrenia. i havent since my mother was diagnosed with it. my mind knows my mom is not well, that she has a disease just like any other person. the problem lies in the fact that her disease affects her relationships, how she interacts with people, and her personality in general. i know that sounds very simple. its schizophrenia. and i can tell myself all day long that she is just sick, she doesnt mean what she says, and i do do that, but i think im too sensitive. maybe thats another lie from satan. that im too much, yet that is another can of worms i'd not like to indulge in, yet.

my mom continues to surprise me. and i am trying to give it to god. i honestly know that this is something i've never completely turned over. i think its cause ive never felt control of it to begin with, how can i turn over something i cant even grasp.
i know in my mind that everything that has happened with my mother and father has brought me closer to god. it makes sense in my mind, but my heart still aches. my heart still aches for a mother and a father.
gosh, when i type this out, it seems so petty. i think i might nap now.

and honey nut cheerios finally changed the literature on the back of their box. i think softball-buzz was reigning on two years.

be the moon, reflect the son.

abraham lincoln was the great emancipator.

oregon. god is amazing. god is absolutely breath-taking, amazing, beautiful, lovely, and i love that words fail me. today, one of my dearest friends is getting married, jacob stroop. david and i were very fortunate enough to be able to make it out here. and thank the lord. it is breath-taking here.

i love weddings. especially weddings of my best friends. its so joyous, fresh, and exciting. aly and jacob have been amazing. jacob has taken us in and over these past few days, i have just been in awe of friendship. i am so thankful for it. so thankful for loving community and other loving hearts. its so beautiful. being around friends is utterly indescribable. its the most comforting feeling i know, right now.

i have so many thoughts in my head right now, so many emotions, yet nothing is coming to mind. i bite my lip with anticipation and joy, but i cannot explain why. god is so beautiful. thank you jesus for community and nature. what an original you are...astounding.

stand up and thank her

gracious to have goodness, i love mayfield chocolate ice cream. the regular type. geez o' petes. i remember when i was younger, my mom would fix me a bowl. i wouldnt eat it, but stir it up. well david bought me some yesterday and i put it in a bowl. lo and behold. i stirred it.

i was a smart kid. that stuff is good.

ferns pressed in paper.

i absolutely loathe satan. it's so strange. his lies are so deceiving and so believable. it's unnerving that i continue to fall for them. laying in bed sobbing thinking hearing that the best of my life has passed, that my father's death and my mother's illness have ruined life for me, that i can never be truly happy. they are all lies. terrible horrible lies that i have believed for way too long.

for so long, i used to put my worth in other people. in my friends. honestly, i have the best friends that i could ever ask for. they are wonderful, astounding, and beautiful people and i would not trade them for the world. however, for so long, especially in the beginning of college, i would judge my own value on them. look at who i am through them. and i was invalidating myself. i was imposing satan's lies on myself. his lies that if no one calls me or pursues me for a day, im worthless.

well sir, i am validated. my worth and my identity is in jesus christ and his worth is gold.
damon kelly, who spoke at high school camp this past may, spoke of hearing god's voice versus your own voice and satan's. he said that if the voice you are hearing is telling you terrible, hideous things that make you feel inferior, you are listening to satan. nearly every single day of my life for a year i had to pray that satan would leave me. that his lies would not penetrate me and that i could sleep.

and i did. satan flees from god. darkness does not consume light and satan will not consume me. i am so thankful for value in christ. i am so thankful for friends and for mornings. and chocolate ice cream with sprinkles. gah, awesome.

you are my alligator.

time. it is such a strange thing. in the month and a half since i have posted, my life has changed so much. ive certainly got the rest that i have desired, and hopefully shall continue to do so over the course of the next month before school starts. its so strange. i always am so eager for school to get out after mid-terms, but then when summer comes, i miss studying and school so much.

but alas, my time at UT is coming to an end. i thought [but did not plan on] i was going to graduate in december '09 with two degrees. i thought i could spread things out and take more costume designing classes [that i dont necessarily need] and design some more shows for my portfolio before grad school. yet, like i said, life changes. god's plan for me is being revealed in such a strange and almost, frightening, way.

david is going to the air force. im still processing through that. in one way im excited. he is going back for his second bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. first one in creative writing, the second in engineering. cool. and related. but anyways. that means for nearly a year, we will be apart. i think that is good. it has to be good yah, thats how god works. but oh my dear gracious, it is frightening.
i have a tendency to get very lonely. and hermit-ish. i am fearful for that over the next year. i know that i will have school to distract me and i love school, but for once, i dont want to be distracted. i dont want to waste anymore time being distracted. i want to live and experience the present. and love.

gah love.

ill have a swig of your bathtub gin.

twenty two years old. its memorable.

its interesting the time of the year that my birthday falls on...it happens right as school gets out...its perfect.
when i was younger. people didnt graduate. or leave. but now they do.

i had a lovely birthday, of rest. i suppose that is step one to my summer goal...rest for my heart.

my prayer for the week is to begin to cleanse my heart to rest. ah christ. that single word encompasses so much for me. so much hope that this filth that is my heart and life can be cleansed and rested.

tangent: [kinda from the first paragraph-ish]. my birthday symbolizes the end of school and rest for me, but in the past few years, as a leader, it has come to symbolize...summer camp.
in two weeks we shall be at sharptop cove..for the last time [with these girls]. and i am nostalgic. its surreal that these girls are graduating and leaving. they are beautiful inside and out and my heart yearns to see them grow in christ.

i just want to pray over these senior girls in the cspc youth group. i pray for guidance for them and for wisdom in christ. i pray for grace and love abounding and for their hearts in the coming years. i know college is such an exciting, confusing, and defining time. i love these girls so much and want them to ground themself in christ to love the world and save it.

if that makes sense.

fin.

foremost, i am done. d-o-n-e. done with school for the summer.
its sad and surreal. i am quite glad that school work and stress are over, but i am going to miss working at the theatre for the summer and most of all, i am going to miss my friends that are leaving.

technically, i should be graduating, but being the un-technical person i am [not], i am, well...not.

but none of that is what is on my heart tonight.
my heart honestly bleeds for my family right now. mainly my mother and my papaw--two people that i love very dearly.
my mother has been there for me though everything, through the death of my father, through life changes and decisions, through her schizophrenia. through everything. my mother is my sister and i love her more than anything. [when i am away from her].
my mother makes it so hard for me to be christ to her. i know that that is certainly one area of my life where i could be jesus more.
i love my mother and i try to do everything in my power to aid her in any way possible, but it becomes quite complicated when she has a mental illness.

i know when my mother is sick. however, my mother does not know when she is sick. what emerges is a catch-22 where i can't help my mother when she isn't sick because well, she isn't sick. yet, when she is sick, i can't help her either because she literally makes it impossible to be around her.
and now she is moving. she is moving again because of her sickness and my heart just bleeds for her.

i often feel that i am not loving people right. that everything would solve itself if i just loved more. i try. i try so hard.

i am trying to be a woman with a heart at rest. i know that that is something that god is challenging me to do. rest in hope. thats what david did. thats what i should do.
god i wish i could rest in hope. i wish my heart would stop worrying long enough to hope...then to begin to rest in it.

and i suppose that is one thing i am thankful for. time to rest. time to hope. and time to heal.
that is what this summer shall be for me.
hopeful.

woot.

oh my chagrin.

strange. its been about 3 years since i have had a regular blog, and for the strangest reason today, i thought 'yo. i'sa gonna get a newb blog.'

and i did.
and here i am.

i am in such a strange place in my life right now. i am nearly done with exams, and it is certainly bittersweet. i do not want this semester to end because i do not want to lose [in distance] some of the people that i love the most.
with the close of the school year and beginning of summer, comes parting and moving and goodbyes.

its surreal in a sense.
i remember the first day i walked into high school as a freshman. i thought that i would be there for forever. i never thought about time.

woot. tangent. time. that is something that i cannot just grasp. hand me derrida, calculus, ibsen, shakespeare, spenser, milton, even rowling and i can give you something. but honestly, time. it is just something that i dont grasp, but in a good way.
its how i see and feel the unfathomable nature of god. of goodness.
of possibility. the thought that simultaneously there are countless things going on, good and bad, that can never be re-lived or taken back or duplicated in the same fashion.
its mind blowing. its not tangible. its amazing.
jesus is not tangible. to be quite honest, jesus is just plain weird.
and i love it.
i love waywardness and i love time and i love the world that time is encompassed in.

i dont make any sense do i.