my mind is racing but my body is so weary right now. i am contemplating dropping a class. i am contemplating dropping my costuming class. i dont know why, but i think it might be better.
i was driving home from the library this morning at 3 am [3 hours ago as it is currently 5:54 here in beautiful knoxville] and i was just overwhelmed with emotion. i think most of it stemmed from the fact that mark text messaged me tonight. i think his message was the icing on the cake. my friends astound me. every last single one of them. people in general astound me. i am constantly grateful for the goodness of people. i absolutely love people. in the past week i have certainly seen what john meant. i have been extremely well-loved by others and i am very grateful.
i want to type out every name and a personalized thank you to each and every one, and i think will when the time comes [the time that is not filled with papers and costuming deadlines and readings and plays and more plays and continually more plays].
i just want everyone to know that i am beyond thankful. beyond words for the gratitude of my friends. each and every one of you are beautiful and fantastic. even in the mess of this world and the muck of our lives, you all are constantly beautiful.
9.15.2008
9.08.2008
and we used to be so ambitious.
oh i could honestly scream. i have been what one would call a 'mixed bag' of emotions lately. im sad about david leaving. im excited about the opportunities that the air force holds for him. im relieved for his leaving so i can get my work done. and after today, im pissed and confused.
it takes a good bit of something to make me pissed and today, that good bit was breached.
in all of this air force jazz with david, i have tried to take a backseat to what david was going through. i have tried to keep the questions and comments to a bare minimum because i know how david is about being interrogated. but today, david calls me on my 15-minute break from class to tell me that he opted out of signing a 4-year contract to sign a 6-year one.
[dead silence]
"why?"
"because i thought it was the better option."
"yah, but WHY?"
explanations ensue about the length of training and such and nearly by the end of the 4 years, most people are stuck with the question of signing another contract of 4 years and continuing to 8 or leaving the air force at 4 years with little to no experience.
[dead silence]
"okay."
no, no heather, that's not okay. tell him what you actually think. and i did. i got home and told i was honestly to gracious pissed off at him. i am pissed off that he did not consider asking me and that signed away two more years of OUR lives. throughout this entire process, david has been hazy on what exactly he will be doing and where he will be doing it. he is not clear on anything except the fact that he leaves tomorrow at 6 am for san antonio. and he signed on the dotted line for 6 years.
i am trying so hard to be supportive, but honestly, today, im confused and hurt.
"well, i did not sign a contract for you."
jesus, please meet me here. please, lord god, breathe life into this situation and come in between us. help this make sense and hold my hand down whatever path this is pointing cause i certainly know that i do not know.
it takes a good bit of something to make me pissed and today, that good bit was breached.
in all of this air force jazz with david, i have tried to take a backseat to what david was going through. i have tried to keep the questions and comments to a bare minimum because i know how david is about being interrogated. but today, david calls me on my 15-minute break from class to tell me that he opted out of signing a 4-year contract to sign a 6-year one.
[dead silence]
"why?"
"because i thought it was the better option."
"yah, but WHY?"
explanations ensue about the length of training and such and nearly by the end of the 4 years, most people are stuck with the question of signing another contract of 4 years and continuing to 8 or leaving the air force at 4 years with little to no experience.
[dead silence]
"okay."
no, no heather, that's not okay. tell him what you actually think. and i did. i got home and told i was honestly to gracious pissed off at him. i am pissed off that he did not consider asking me and that signed away two more years of OUR lives. throughout this entire process, david has been hazy on what exactly he will be doing and where he will be doing it. he is not clear on anything except the fact that he leaves tomorrow at 6 am for san antonio. and he signed on the dotted line for 6 years.
i am trying so hard to be supportive, but honestly, today, im confused and hurt.
"well, i did not sign a contract for you."
jesus, please meet me here. please, lord god, breathe life into this situation and come in between us. help this make sense and hold my hand down whatever path this is pointing cause i certainly know that i do not know.
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