ill have a swig of your bathtub gin.

twenty two years old. its memorable.

its interesting the time of the year that my birthday falls on...it happens right as school gets out...its perfect.
when i was younger. people didnt graduate. or leave. but now they do.

i had a lovely birthday, of rest. i suppose that is step one to my summer goal...rest for my heart.

my prayer for the week is to begin to cleanse my heart to rest. ah christ. that single word encompasses so much for me. so much hope that this filth that is my heart and life can be cleansed and rested.

tangent: [kinda from the first paragraph-ish]. my birthday symbolizes the end of school and rest for me, but in the past few years, as a leader, it has come to symbolize...summer camp.
in two weeks we shall be at sharptop cove..for the last time [with these girls]. and i am nostalgic. its surreal that these girls are graduating and leaving. they are beautiful inside and out and my heart yearns to see them grow in christ.

i just want to pray over these senior girls in the cspc youth group. i pray for guidance for them and for wisdom in christ. i pray for grace and love abounding and for their hearts in the coming years. i know college is such an exciting, confusing, and defining time. i love these girls so much and want them to ground themself in christ to love the world and save it.

if that makes sense.

fin.

foremost, i am done. d-o-n-e. done with school for the summer.
its sad and surreal. i am quite glad that school work and stress are over, but i am going to miss working at the theatre for the summer and most of all, i am going to miss my friends that are leaving.

technically, i should be graduating, but being the un-technical person i am [not], i am, well...not.

but none of that is what is on my heart tonight.
my heart honestly bleeds for my family right now. mainly my mother and my papaw--two people that i love very dearly.
my mother has been there for me though everything, through the death of my father, through life changes and decisions, through her schizophrenia. through everything. my mother is my sister and i love her more than anything. [when i am away from her].
my mother makes it so hard for me to be christ to her. i know that that is certainly one area of my life where i could be jesus more.
i love my mother and i try to do everything in my power to aid her in any way possible, but it becomes quite complicated when she has a mental illness.

i know when my mother is sick. however, my mother does not know when she is sick. what emerges is a catch-22 where i can't help my mother when she isn't sick because well, she isn't sick. yet, when she is sick, i can't help her either because she literally makes it impossible to be around her.
and now she is moving. she is moving again because of her sickness and my heart just bleeds for her.

i often feel that i am not loving people right. that everything would solve itself if i just loved more. i try. i try so hard.

i am trying to be a woman with a heart at rest. i know that that is something that god is challenging me to do. rest in hope. thats what david did. thats what i should do.
god i wish i could rest in hope. i wish my heart would stop worrying long enough to hope...then to begin to rest in it.

and i suppose that is one thing i am thankful for. time to rest. time to hope. and time to heal.
that is what this summer shall be for me.
hopeful.

woot.

oh my chagrin.

strange. its been about 3 years since i have had a regular blog, and for the strangest reason today, i thought 'yo. i'sa gonna get a newb blog.'

and i did.
and here i am.

i am in such a strange place in my life right now. i am nearly done with exams, and it is certainly bittersweet. i do not want this semester to end because i do not want to lose [in distance] some of the people that i love the most.
with the close of the school year and beginning of summer, comes parting and moving and goodbyes.

its surreal in a sense.
i remember the first day i walked into high school as a freshman. i thought that i would be there for forever. i never thought about time.

woot. tangent. time. that is something that i cannot just grasp. hand me derrida, calculus, ibsen, shakespeare, spenser, milton, even rowling and i can give you something. but honestly, time. it is just something that i dont grasp, but in a good way.
its how i see and feel the unfathomable nature of god. of goodness.
of possibility. the thought that simultaneously there are countless things going on, good and bad, that can never be re-lived or taken back or duplicated in the same fashion.
its mind blowing. its not tangible. its amazing.
jesus is not tangible. to be quite honest, jesus is just plain weird.
and i love it.
i love waywardness and i love time and i love the world that time is encompassed in.

i dont make any sense do i.