fin.

foremost, i am done. d-o-n-e. done with school for the summer.
its sad and surreal. i am quite glad that school work and stress are over, but i am going to miss working at the theatre for the summer and most of all, i am going to miss my friends that are leaving.

technically, i should be graduating, but being the un-technical person i am [not], i am, well...not.

but none of that is what is on my heart tonight.
my heart honestly bleeds for my family right now. mainly my mother and my papaw--two people that i love very dearly.
my mother has been there for me though everything, through the death of my father, through life changes and decisions, through her schizophrenia. through everything. my mother is my sister and i love her more than anything. [when i am away from her].
my mother makes it so hard for me to be christ to her. i know that that is certainly one area of my life where i could be jesus more.
i love my mother and i try to do everything in my power to aid her in any way possible, but it becomes quite complicated when she has a mental illness.

i know when my mother is sick. however, my mother does not know when she is sick. what emerges is a catch-22 where i can't help my mother when she isn't sick because well, she isn't sick. yet, when she is sick, i can't help her either because she literally makes it impossible to be around her.
and now she is moving. she is moving again because of her sickness and my heart just bleeds for her.

i often feel that i am not loving people right. that everything would solve itself if i just loved more. i try. i try so hard.

i am trying to be a woman with a heart at rest. i know that that is something that god is challenging me to do. rest in hope. thats what david did. thats what i should do.
god i wish i could rest in hope. i wish my heart would stop worrying long enough to hope...then to begin to rest in it.

and i suppose that is one thing i am thankful for. time to rest. time to hope. and time to heal.
that is what this summer shall be for me.
hopeful.

woot.