i am certainly not isaac newton.

things continue to astound me. the fact that i have gotten worse at communicating is certainly one of those. and typing for that matter....and yet i still find myself blogging. ah the irony.

but that is for another time. another place.
recently ive been dealing with memories. and realizing that i have repressed much of my life. i find that i keep rediscovering things as if i was a child, but then remembering that i already knew them.
that doesnt make any sense.

whatever. go with it. so yes, there is the remembering. but i am also finding that i am getting caught up in the remembering. its such a delicate balance.
but i am finding that it in those memories where i have hidden my sadness and my fears and perhaps even myself. i am searching through them to find the exact moment that triggered the repression.
to find out why i wanted to stop remembering.
i have had a joyous life and many joyous experiences. most of the time i feel overwhelmed by all of the joy.
its like i said in my previous post, i look back to times and think that i am happy---but i know that i wasnt. but now, in the present, i think that i am happy.

still not making sense, heather.
whatever.

but there has to be this specific moment in my life when my brain subconsiously decided to stop incoming information, or atleast it decided to hide it from the part that communicates with the rest of my body [sans science terms, i know]. and that is the moment i am searching for.
some sort of weird self-therapy.

for example, last night i was having a drink with an old dear friend of mine, lauren. she was talking about her recent experiences at BADA in oxford [where she got to hang out with john barton and alan rickman...insert insane amounts of jealousy here] and was talking about one of her master classes. in that class, her teacher said that [and im paraphrasing, of course], that we, as actors, have to fight against that moment, as children, where we first become ashamed of our imagination. he said that it comes to us around 9 to 11 years old and we are constantly fighting to be that 8 year old kid again.
and right there, in that moment. i remember being in the 5th grade and a friend michelle of mine coming over...and i accidentally asked her if she wanted to play barbies. after i asked, before she answered, i remember feeling so ashamed, so embarrassed that i still played with barbies. but then she answered yes, and i was so happy that we could play, but deep down i never forgot that horrid feeling of embarrassment...

but then i did forget it. i forgot it until last night. and that is what i feel like most of my life has been up to until now. i am exaggerating, of course. but so often, i feel like much of my life has been repressed. or atleast my reaction to experiences in my life has been repressed.
i doubt that makes any sense...i am just trying to understand my heart and soul and mind right now and most of it will be meaningless nonsense that comes out of my mouth...but bear with me...it is important to me.

it could be the gluten...

man, sometimes i wish it was just the gluten. i have decided to write this post in the lowest valley of a depressed mood i am in.
i do not know what is wrong with me. i know that it is not anyone else around me, although it is mostly the people around me that suffer...but i cannot stand myself lately.
i find myself looking to former times in my life and hoping, praying that i could be that happy again.

but then the kicker [there always is one], i also look back to those times and try to remember how i felt and i know for a fact that i was not happy during those times easier.
i have never been diagnosed with depression. i have talked to so many therapists over the years--each of them telling me that i was extraordinary in dealing with the things that i have been through and that there is nothing wrong with my mind, but that i am tip-top shape mental health wise.

perhaps its been building to this, perhaps its always been like this and ive been numb to it. probably its neither of those and i am just trying to make excuses.
the truth is that so often i have horrid thoughts of myself and my life. and i am able to stand outside of it and go "girl! check yourself before you wreck yourself..seriously." and i do. and im fine.
im just exhausted of dealing with this on my own. and i know that it is my own to deal with.

its just so hard and yes ill be redundant, im so exhausted.
today i woke up depressed and that usually doesn't happen. it normally comes on at night, never first thing. and ive been walking around downtown moping. i feel pathetic. i feel like i am in a hole or some weird snow globe. more likely the latter.

i just want out of this snow globe. i want happiness to win over. i am a happy person, i am just drowning in fake snow right now.

so much inspiration sans motivation.

so i have come to realize that in spite of the numerous blogs i have drafted over the past month, i have not posted any of them.
well, lets get the boring stuff over with first.

i have a job. actually, i have two jobs. wee lets jump up and down because...wait for it...

keep a'waitin....both of those jobs are in the arts. heck no techno its true!! i am employed at the clarence brown theatre for the season as...wait for it...lead house manager. sweet, beautiful, talented jimmy brimer is retiring. how can i ever be that awesome? dont even bother answering, your answer wont even do justice to the fact that he is far grander than i will be.

secondly, i am working as a visual service representative and gift shop cashier at the knoxville museum of art.
so technically its three jobs...but who's counting right?

so yay! no more whining over unemployment. only squeeling over all the artistic inspiration i am exposed to every single day.
but blah blah blah...moving on...what would a good blog be without a bit of woe?

so in spite of all this...i have a slight glitch in my life. i dont know what i want to do. i dont even know how to even begin to explain that statement and i dont even think that statement does my true feelings justice...and we all know if anything needs justice...its my true feelings. and probably oppressed peoples...they probably have motivation.
i just dont know. and i feel like whining. i feel blessed. i have a zee jobs. i have a zee income [kinda]...i am restarting to save for nyc...and finally add da monies back into my bank account and not taking them out...
but i feel like im wasted and spent. and i am only 24 years old. okay wait no, that was a blatant lie [don't act like youve never told one before]...i feel like there is not enough time to do what i want in life.
i want to do everything. i want to act. i want to quilt. i want to design fabric. i want to draw. i want to paint. i want to distress furniture. i want to screen print. i want to graphic design. i was to illustrate. i want to read. i want to own a restaurant. i want to own a book shop. i want to travel. i want to drink a lot of good coffee [and maybe some bad]. i want to jump in a lake with no intention of getting out.
i want to inspire other people with my creations.

you know, that sort of stuff...the problem is that i have no idea where to start. foremost, i feel like i got the wrong degree...or maybe i should go get another degree...in studio art or design [graphic, interior...whatevs]...i dont know...what the hell am i talking about going back to school?

i am blessed. yes, i am being redundant. but i just want to create. i have this huge need to do that...and i feel like im not feeding that need...poor need. if only i neglected twitter that way.
oh well. i am going to finish this blog by stating that i am going to go take a self-crippling nap. i plan on it taking only 25 minutes, but we all know it will probably take 2 hours. and then im going to go learn lines...because i really need to do that.
thats probably a good place to start.

oh well...we'll see how this goes. maybe vomiting all of this out will help to organize it and start something with my life. perhaps i should get up at 7 am each day and quilt...or stay up til 5 am and paint...
who knows.
there is no set way for success.
gross, heather you sound like a self-help book. hey! maybe ill go buy a self-help book.
oh dear me...nap now.

ciao.