it could be the gluten...

man, sometimes i wish it was just the gluten. i have decided to write this post in the lowest valley of a depressed mood i am in.
i do not know what is wrong with me. i know that it is not anyone else around me, although it is mostly the people around me that suffer...but i cannot stand myself lately.
i find myself looking to former times in my life and hoping, praying that i could be that happy again.

but then the kicker [there always is one], i also look back to those times and try to remember how i felt and i know for a fact that i was not happy during those times easier.
i have never been diagnosed with depression. i have talked to so many therapists over the years--each of them telling me that i was extraordinary in dealing with the things that i have been through and that there is nothing wrong with my mind, but that i am tip-top shape mental health wise.

perhaps its been building to this, perhaps its always been like this and ive been numb to it. probably its neither of those and i am just trying to make excuses.
the truth is that so often i have horrid thoughts of myself and my life. and i am able to stand outside of it and go "girl! check yourself before you wreck yourself..seriously." and i do. and im fine.
im just exhausted of dealing with this on my own. and i know that it is my own to deal with.

its just so hard and yes ill be redundant, im so exhausted.
today i woke up depressed and that usually doesn't happen. it normally comes on at night, never first thing. and ive been walking around downtown moping. i feel pathetic. i feel like i am in a hole or some weird snow globe. more likely the latter.

i just want out of this snow globe. i want happiness to win over. i am a happy person, i am just drowning in fake snow right now.