i am certainly not isaac newton.

things continue to astound me. the fact that i have gotten worse at communicating is certainly one of those. and typing for that matter....and yet i still find myself blogging. ah the irony.

but that is for another time. another place.
recently ive been dealing with memories. and realizing that i have repressed much of my life. i find that i keep rediscovering things as if i was a child, but then remembering that i already knew them.
that doesnt make any sense.

whatever. go with it. so yes, there is the remembering. but i am also finding that i am getting caught up in the remembering. its such a delicate balance.
but i am finding that it in those memories where i have hidden my sadness and my fears and perhaps even myself. i am searching through them to find the exact moment that triggered the repression.
to find out why i wanted to stop remembering.
i have had a joyous life and many joyous experiences. most of the time i feel overwhelmed by all of the joy.
its like i said in my previous post, i look back to times and think that i am happy---but i know that i wasnt. but now, in the present, i think that i am happy.

still not making sense, heather.
whatever.

but there has to be this specific moment in my life when my brain subconsiously decided to stop incoming information, or atleast it decided to hide it from the part that communicates with the rest of my body [sans science terms, i know]. and that is the moment i am searching for.
some sort of weird self-therapy.

for example, last night i was having a drink with an old dear friend of mine, lauren. she was talking about her recent experiences at BADA in oxford [where she got to hang out with john barton and alan rickman...insert insane amounts of jealousy here] and was talking about one of her master classes. in that class, her teacher said that [and im paraphrasing, of course], that we, as actors, have to fight against that moment, as children, where we first become ashamed of our imagination. he said that it comes to us around 9 to 11 years old and we are constantly fighting to be that 8 year old kid again.
and right there, in that moment. i remember being in the 5th grade and a friend michelle of mine coming over...and i accidentally asked her if she wanted to play barbies. after i asked, before she answered, i remember feeling so ashamed, so embarrassed that i still played with barbies. but then she answered yes, and i was so happy that we could play, but deep down i never forgot that horrid feeling of embarrassment...

but then i did forget it. i forgot it until last night. and that is what i feel like most of my life has been up to until now. i am exaggerating, of course. but so often, i feel like much of my life has been repressed. or atleast my reaction to experiences in my life has been repressed.
i doubt that makes any sense...i am just trying to understand my heart and soul and mind right now and most of it will be meaningless nonsense that comes out of my mouth...but bear with me...it is important to me.