it caused a mudslide on the banks of the operator

i think that the past week of my life can be described as numb. i find it strange, yesterday at church, my friend jill asked me how i was doing. she is one of my closer friends at church and her and i have similar backgrounds with our mothers, and long story short, when she asks me how i am doing, she is really asking me. and i really responded. i said i was numb and tired. david was sitting beside me and my friend corey on the other side and i felt trapped. i didn't want to answer openly and honestly. so i just stuck with my answer "numb and tired." then david chimed in. "we stayed up really late last night."

no. i wasn't, i am not, physically exhausted. this summer has been a physical paradise for me. i dont have a job, i am resting my body to a gluttonous point. my exhaustion is rooted in something deeper.

i am mentally and emotionally exhausted. in that single moment, in that single question, i realized how much i need god. this past week has been a distant week for me. god, i know, is not distant from me. i am distant from him. and myself for that matter. and when i become distant from christ, i become numb. and then the self-evaluations start and the ridicule that i give myself. i just need christ. and its becoming less of a need and more of a want. i do not want to lead my own life. i am a terrible pilot, possibly even a terrible co-pilot. but perhaps i should give the latter a chance, then potentially become a simple passenger. i dont know. i think thats alright, though.