she took us down to the edge of decatur

i think in the past week my life has been coming to a head. it's quite strange. and honestly, it keeps my head spinning at unheard of speeds. in particular, my mother. i try so hard to love her as best as i can. when she was homeless, i tried to take her in, but her personality is so overbearing and dominating, that she makes it very hard. and for fairness, i know that she is sick, she is very sick. but its so difficult. i wish i could say with a clean conscience that i am a faithful lover to my mother and a consistent sister in christ. i am not. i am not at all.

i dont understand schizophrenia. i havent since my mother was diagnosed with it. my mind knows my mom is not well, that she has a disease just like any other person. the problem lies in the fact that her disease affects her relationships, how she interacts with people, and her personality in general. i know that sounds very simple. its schizophrenia. and i can tell myself all day long that she is just sick, she doesnt mean what she says, and i do do that, but i think im too sensitive. maybe thats another lie from satan. that im too much, yet that is another can of worms i'd not like to indulge in, yet.

my mom continues to surprise me. and i am trying to give it to god. i honestly know that this is something i've never completely turned over. i think its cause ive never felt control of it to begin with, how can i turn over something i cant even grasp.
i know in my mind that everything that has happened with my mother and father has brought me closer to god. it makes sense in my mind, but my heart still aches. my heart still aches for a mother and a father.
gosh, when i type this out, it seems so petty. i think i might nap now.

and honey nut cheerios finally changed the literature on the back of their box. i think softball-buzz was reigning on two years.

be the moon, reflect the son.