in the spirit of the aviator.

i feel i should jump on the 'dark knight' blogging bandwagon. and for good reason. tonight i saw the dark knight for the third time. ridiculous, i know. but honestly, brilliant. my friends, ethan and clint, have both written blogs recently pertaining to the anarchist ideals of the joker. in a perverted fashion, the joker does make a point that i feel is a very valid one. morals are corrupt. plans are corrupt. they will fail and they will crumble. and i feel that many people will misunderstand me when i say morals. i am a lover of jesus, but i do not feel that christianity is a true reflection of a relationship with christ. christianity is plans. it is guidelines that we put ourselves up against in order to judge our standing and progress.

the joker was right. "you have all these rules and you think they'll save you." oh they wont. we create a box for ourselves, boundaries, grounds that if we keep up with, we validate ourselves as okay. the joker shows two-face "how pathetic [the] attempts to control things really are."
its so true. if we create plans, if we create boundaries, we are living in a cage. we are living in christianity--religion. relationship versus religion. the difference is huge. one is a damp mine with no air while the other is a freedom and joy that is indescribable.

lastly, i feel that the end of the movie summed it up fairly well. "Sometimes, truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

perhaps im talking in circles, or too far-fetched, but it certainly makes sense in my non-nonsensical mind.

it caused a mudslide on the banks of the operator

i think that the past week of my life can be described as numb. i find it strange, yesterday at church, my friend jill asked me how i was doing. she is one of my closer friends at church and her and i have similar backgrounds with our mothers, and long story short, when she asks me how i am doing, she is really asking me. and i really responded. i said i was numb and tired. david was sitting beside me and my friend corey on the other side and i felt trapped. i didn't want to answer openly and honestly. so i just stuck with my answer "numb and tired." then david chimed in. "we stayed up really late last night."

no. i wasn't, i am not, physically exhausted. this summer has been a physical paradise for me. i dont have a job, i am resting my body to a gluttonous point. my exhaustion is rooted in something deeper.

i am mentally and emotionally exhausted. in that single moment, in that single question, i realized how much i need god. this past week has been a distant week for me. god, i know, is not distant from me. i am distant from him. and myself for that matter. and when i become distant from christ, i become numb. and then the self-evaluations start and the ridicule that i give myself. i just need christ. and its becoming less of a need and more of a want. i do not want to lead my own life. i am a terrible pilot, possibly even a terrible co-pilot. but perhaps i should give the latter a chance, then potentially become a simple passenger. i dont know. i think thats alright, though.

she took us down to the edge of decatur

i think in the past week my life has been coming to a head. it's quite strange. and honestly, it keeps my head spinning at unheard of speeds. in particular, my mother. i try so hard to love her as best as i can. when she was homeless, i tried to take her in, but her personality is so overbearing and dominating, that she makes it very hard. and for fairness, i know that she is sick, she is very sick. but its so difficult. i wish i could say with a clean conscience that i am a faithful lover to my mother and a consistent sister in christ. i am not. i am not at all.

i dont understand schizophrenia. i havent since my mother was diagnosed with it. my mind knows my mom is not well, that she has a disease just like any other person. the problem lies in the fact that her disease affects her relationships, how she interacts with people, and her personality in general. i know that sounds very simple. its schizophrenia. and i can tell myself all day long that she is just sick, she doesnt mean what she says, and i do do that, but i think im too sensitive. maybe thats another lie from satan. that im too much, yet that is another can of worms i'd not like to indulge in, yet.

my mom continues to surprise me. and i am trying to give it to god. i honestly know that this is something i've never completely turned over. i think its cause ive never felt control of it to begin with, how can i turn over something i cant even grasp.
i know in my mind that everything that has happened with my mother and father has brought me closer to god. it makes sense in my mind, but my heart still aches. my heart still aches for a mother and a father.
gosh, when i type this out, it seems so petty. i think i might nap now.

and honey nut cheerios finally changed the literature on the back of their box. i think softball-buzz was reigning on two years.

be the moon, reflect the son.

abraham lincoln was the great emancipator.

oregon. god is amazing. god is absolutely breath-taking, amazing, beautiful, lovely, and i love that words fail me. today, one of my dearest friends is getting married, jacob stroop. david and i were very fortunate enough to be able to make it out here. and thank the lord. it is breath-taking here.

i love weddings. especially weddings of my best friends. its so joyous, fresh, and exciting. aly and jacob have been amazing. jacob has taken us in and over these past few days, i have just been in awe of friendship. i am so thankful for it. so thankful for loving community and other loving hearts. its so beautiful. being around friends is utterly indescribable. its the most comforting feeling i know, right now.

i have so many thoughts in my head right now, so many emotions, yet nothing is coming to mind. i bite my lip with anticipation and joy, but i cannot explain why. god is so beautiful. thank you jesus for community and nature. what an original you are...astounding.

stand up and thank her

gracious to have goodness, i love mayfield chocolate ice cream. the regular type. geez o' petes. i remember when i was younger, my mom would fix me a bowl. i wouldnt eat it, but stir it up. well david bought me some yesterday and i put it in a bowl. lo and behold. i stirred it.

i was a smart kid. that stuff is good.

ferns pressed in paper.

i absolutely loathe satan. it's so strange. his lies are so deceiving and so believable. it's unnerving that i continue to fall for them. laying in bed sobbing thinking hearing that the best of my life has passed, that my father's death and my mother's illness have ruined life for me, that i can never be truly happy. they are all lies. terrible horrible lies that i have believed for way too long.

for so long, i used to put my worth in other people. in my friends. honestly, i have the best friends that i could ever ask for. they are wonderful, astounding, and beautiful people and i would not trade them for the world. however, for so long, especially in the beginning of college, i would judge my own value on them. look at who i am through them. and i was invalidating myself. i was imposing satan's lies on myself. his lies that if no one calls me or pursues me for a day, im worthless.

well sir, i am validated. my worth and my identity is in jesus christ and his worth is gold.
damon kelly, who spoke at high school camp this past may, spoke of hearing god's voice versus your own voice and satan's. he said that if the voice you are hearing is telling you terrible, hideous things that make you feel inferior, you are listening to satan. nearly every single day of my life for a year i had to pray that satan would leave me. that his lies would not penetrate me and that i could sleep.

and i did. satan flees from god. darkness does not consume light and satan will not consume me. i am so thankful for value in christ. i am so thankful for friends and for mornings. and chocolate ice cream with sprinkles. gah, awesome.