girl, what's all this strife?

okay. so ive been back from madrid for...let's say two weeks.
and in those two weeks, i have been relentlessly in pursuit of a job. i have filled out applications, i have googled, i have bing-ed. shoo, ive even craigslisted [and that got me places no one needs to go].

so here i am. mid-week. hump day, if you will. sitting on my couch on my laptop. looking for something. i going to be a secretary. im going to quilt. im going to get an acting internship.
yah well, not right now.
and i got angst. like whoa. okay, my brain knows that my life is not measured by these two docile weeks or the ones that are probably going to come. but i am measuring it...my heart is measuring it. blahhhhhhhh......

and i am tired of having emotional breakdowns and feeling sad. looking back over things i write and jot down, i am always tired of this...but it this is it. it. done.

futhermore, i feel that because i am not doing anything productive RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT...i am in turn not productive. i should have moved to nyc. i should have had this moment planned two years ago.
well i didnt.
thus, i am disappointing. i am never going to be creative or successful. i feel that in this moment [graduating, moving on, etc.] i should be the most energetic and focused i have ever been...and well....i aint.

i am just going to blog this stuff away. so be ready for it. like whoa.

documenting my life.

my life.
sometimes when i hear it, i think the most fascinating, limitless, amazing things.
and then sometimes i feel like jumping out a window.
ive felt both very strongly.

but then again, i guess all of us have.
so i think i am needing to write to get out what is inside. and not write with a purpose, or even a semi-purpose [if those exist], but write with intention. intention to find out my heart, my mind, and my soul.

thats what ill write about.
and today, my heart is joyful yet hopeless. on behalf of jobs. finding a job is horrid....especially when you're on a strict [and very much needed] schedule to get a job and do not desire to work in restaurant and/or retail.
i am attempting to hold fast to those two ideas. no retail. no restaurant.

but who knows, in two weeks, i could be begging for a job at babies 'r' us.
maybe you can remind me not to crawl on my knees for it.

hmmmm.