i could always turn around and flee.

so this is ridiculously lame. i have a tendency to cry at fairly mundane things. examples would be target commercials, danny's end speech on full house, tree houses, butterflies, most woodland creatures, making whipped cream, windexing the counter, and apparently, now LOST.

i have not been an adamant LOST watcher. well, i watched seasons 1 and 2 about two years ago and i recently got season 3. mmm...and ive been watching it. like seriously watching it.

and apparently there is this episode where they concentrate on sun's past and when she goes and meets jin's father, who is a fisherman. oh good night. and the flowing of tears ensues.
he was such a joyous man. he was so excited to see sun and he asked her...he asked her how the wedding was.

oh dear me. jin's father was so sweet. i dont even know why i am writing this, but i was reminded of my dad. i love my father, so much. and i miss him, so much. in my mind, he is a great man. whenever i think of him, i think of sunny skies and friday afternoons. i think of me getting sick at school and him coming to pick me up in his suit. he then took me to hospital and bought me a pink bunny [my mom actually bought me the 'mommy' pink bunny that matched and they didnt even know each other was buying them!!!]. i recall another night when i was sick and he bathed me. i was half-asleep. he built me a treehouse out his barehands. he also made a dresser and a coat rack. he took apart his car and rebuilt it. it was beautiful.
it later became the car he took his life in.

i miss him. i love him. i am so thankful for his life. i am so thankful that when i think of my father, he is a strong and endearing man. i love looking at pictures of him. he was so generous and so handsome, if i do say so myself [and i do]. i am glad that i never had harsh adolescent fights with him. he is a great man.

gracious oh goodness. i miss that man. i cannot wait to see him and hug him.

you kissed me once under the oak tree.

fourteen. 14. four and ten. eleven and three. nine and five. fourteen.
fourteen days until david leaves.

there have been ridiculous amounts of questions concerning his move and our relationship. and i would love to answer everyone: i dont know.
i think thats okay. i dont know. i know that david and i will be apart for atleast a year. perhaps more depending on school here in tennessee.

he's excited. im numb. after weeks and weeks, im still numb. i am sitting here trying to type what i am feeling and thinking, and garbage is coming out. i think i am sounding angry, im not angry, im numb.
numb. to feel nothing. to lack emotion. to lack response.
yes, i am lacking response. thank you, webster.

i have a tendency to get hermit-ish and burrow away. maybe this will dig me out, or bury my deeper.
i trust that god has a plan in this, whatever and wherever it may be.

rammmmbllezz

oh, please dont listen to the banshee.

i am listening to satan's lies today. i am feeling plain. i am feeling worthless. i am not captivating.

i am freakin' whining.