girl, what's all this strife?

okay. so ive been back from madrid for...let's say two weeks.
and in those two weeks, i have been relentlessly in pursuit of a job. i have filled out applications, i have googled, i have bing-ed. shoo, ive even craigslisted [and that got me places no one needs to go].

so here i am. mid-week. hump day, if you will. sitting on my couch on my laptop. looking for something. i going to be a secretary. im going to quilt. im going to get an acting internship.
yah well, not right now.
and i got angst. like whoa. okay, my brain knows that my life is not measured by these two docile weeks or the ones that are probably going to come. but i am measuring it...my heart is measuring it. blahhhhhhhh......

and i am tired of having emotional breakdowns and feeling sad. looking back over things i write and jot down, i am always tired of this...but it this is it. it. done.

futhermore, i feel that because i am not doing anything productive RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT...i am in turn not productive. i should have moved to nyc. i should have had this moment planned two years ago.
well i didnt.
thus, i am disappointing. i am never going to be creative or successful. i feel that in this moment [graduating, moving on, etc.] i should be the most energetic and focused i have ever been...and well....i aint.

i am just going to blog this stuff away. so be ready for it. like whoa.

documenting my life.

my life.
sometimes when i hear it, i think the most fascinating, limitless, amazing things.
and then sometimes i feel like jumping out a window.
ive felt both very strongly.

but then again, i guess all of us have.
so i think i am needing to write to get out what is inside. and not write with a purpose, or even a semi-purpose [if those exist], but write with intention. intention to find out my heart, my mind, and my soul.

thats what ill write about.
and today, my heart is joyful yet hopeless. on behalf of jobs. finding a job is horrid....especially when you're on a strict [and very much needed] schedule to get a job and do not desire to work in restaurant and/or retail.
i am attempting to hold fast to those two ideas. no retail. no restaurant.

but who knows, in two weeks, i could be begging for a job at babies 'r' us.
maybe you can remind me not to crawl on my knees for it.

hmmmm.

making us special.

so let me ask a question that has been on my heart the past week.
am i special?

this is going to sound like a really strange blog and honestly i have no idea where it might go because i always just feel like im whiny recently. whining and crying.
dont get me wrong, i am incredibly happy in my life. and incredibly off center. thats therefore why i am whining and crying.

lately i have felt smaller than everyone around me.
thats all i know how to put into words.

lost was awesome tonight. and i made some awesome lentil soup with curry. or curried lentil soup as the recipe said.
will, you're blog was...as ben said, uncomfortable. but beautiful, as always.
i am making rosettes tomorrow at work.

i am not making sense anymore. and yellow is still my favorite color.
maybe i should do a julie powell thing...only less whiny. im off to a bad start.
sketch a day...recipe a day...watercolor painting a day...spanish word a day...ehh...break a plate a day...ride a rollercoaster a day...buy a plane ticket a day...what can i do each day that might give me direction?

well this isnt where i started my blog post hoy.
hasta luego.

7245 winchester drive.

that has been my address for the past [nearly] four years. thats a fun fact, i suppose. now, i suppose, that fun fact will be changing. graduating college is weird.

[and to answer will's comment...i havent graduated from college officially, yet. i say 'technically' because my DARS report is all blue and all my requirements are filled--except one--and im taking that class with another this semester. so im not even a full time student]

thus, what am i doing with my life. well to reference my previous post...i am watching lost. and gearing up for february 2nd. 6th season as well as oscar nominations. thanks anne hathaway.
did you know that shakespeare was married to an anne hathaway? thats got to be cool for the rachel getting married star.
speaking of shakespeare. i am take kate buckley's shakespeare class this semester. oh my word. what an amazing thing. i wish i could explain everything that i am learning in that class. its based on the first folio technique and this is mainly for jessika...i would love to tell you about it when i visit you. youll find it amazing.

i am going to nyc in about...a month. changing around my life. needing a ton of prayer. drinking alot of tea. eating pizza too.
finding my name in inanimate objects.
i am really unfocused in my life right now. which is ironic because i feel i need to be really focused right now.
i am living in limbo, or a fertile void as one of my professors has called it.
regardless, i feel like i have a ton of energy and no direction.

thus, explains my blog.
bear with me in the coming posts and months. don't forget about me. don't erase me. i need you.

lost season five.

well hello dear friends. let me be self-indulgent and welcome myself back to the blogging world. or the interactive world in general.
i am back dear friends and i do promise that in the coming days i shall share tid bits of fairly useless information that will likely change none of our lives, yet we will never be the same.

and as for my title...i am finally watching lost season five to gear up for the final season that is a brewing.
theatre is well. chaucer is still furry. howl brought me a dead bird yesterday. i really like shrimp curry now and i am technically graduated from college.

what a neato, skeeto life we have friends.

no result for a. bird's 'sovay.'

before i was shot, i always thought that i was more half-there than all-there – i always suspected that i was watching TV instead of living life. people sometimes say that the way things happen in movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen in life that's unreal. the movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television – you don't feel anything. right when i was being shot and ever since, i knew that i was watching television. the channels switch, but it's all television.

-andy warhol.

when the night becomes day.

im going to keep going with a subject. that of my lack o' sleep.

last night as i was laying down and drifting off [thanks to unisom], i started thinking. and the thinking was absolutely beautiful.
i realized that i wish i had a pen and paper to write down everything that went through my mind as i slipped away.
the thoughts were amazing. and everything made so much sense. it was amazing.
i could write a beautiful poem or song or play or story or screenplay or paper or anything during that time.
just give me a bit of exhaustion and a comfy pillow and you have the recipe for genius.

now if only i can relay it into real life and real time.
there is the catch that only the greatest accomplish.

check.