em drawyaw

heaven. we're in heaven.

2011-01-26T19:37:00.000-05:00

ahheeek! check out the right handed column over there.
yep there.
right below my picture. its a button.
to an etsy shop.

my etsy shop.
or as we might start calling it, my etsy shoppe.

no? too soon?
yah probably....but loooooook!!! i made a shop!
and ive posted AN item in it.
yep, only a single item, but it'll grow. i was working on making a new mobile today, but it didn't turn out how i planned. it was suppose to be a circle, but it looked more like what id imagine you'd get when you a donut meets an egg.
obviously im still learning how to make patterns and what does and doesn't work.
and today i learned what didn't work!
but you know what did work? money cat and pwecha pwech loved my mess up...they started batting it around the house. and sliding all over the hardwood floors.

so i laughed. a lot. and then went back to what i knew how to do...hearts.
so look forward for another heart! cause im makin' love here! and i promise each one is made of lots of kisses and laughter!

on ward ho!
cheerio. <3333333

lucky number seven.

2011-01-26T10:53:00.002-05:00

two thousand eleven. the best year yet.
you can do anything. go and do it!

what am i going to do today? i'm going to build a fort. with two other tiny forts inside it for my kitty cats.

and im going to wish out loud.
and tomorrow, i start dancing.
first dance class in my life. at 24. ballet. what up.

[thanks paintyhands]

my second cousin? her name is devin.

2011-01-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

so i realized a fault in my last post. and that fault was exposed because yesterday, ye olde january seventh, i found myself absolutely crying with fear.
i was paralyzed by the fact that i fear i am never going to succeed. that i do not love myself enough to succeed. so prior to thus, i stated that my new years resolution would be "no more doubt"..."to stop poisoning myself."

well ho ho dear reader. that is not a good resolution. it is, of course, a fine resolution and a resolution none the less, but it does not help me. it does not help because every time i find myself poisoning myself or doubting myself...i am going to cripple myself by beating myself up and saying such things as "that is against your new years resolution"...."way to break your new years resolution"...."you are not succeeding at your new years resolution, thus you are not succeeding in life and you never will...you worthless bimbo."
and that just doesn't get us anywhere. now does it?

yep...you guessed it. it doesn't.

at all.
and probably five steps back since we are keeping track. [judge away like-minded fellow blogger].

so! an addendum to my prior post is going to be my NEWLY RESOLVED NEW YEARS RESOLUTION!
yep. its a new concept. its gonna be big around 2013.
watch for it.

and dont say i didn't tell you.

[cause i did].

back on topic: newly resolved new years resolution for 2011 [going to be a smash hit by 2013] is:
love myself.

sounds simple right?

no.
definitely no.
positively no.
decidedly no.
[thanks don o'connor]

i have decided to give more to myself. and to express myself more. love myself more.
not be so hard on myself. and let myself succeed.

make a wish. it will come true.
make a wish out loud.

"i learn and relearn that silence doesn't protect me. an unexpressed life is very painful to myself and those I love. don't love halfway. i am learning that loving all the way can ache and sting, but loving halfway doesn’t keep me safe. it leaves me with sadness and a hope that could never live outloud."
~sabrina ward harrison [thanks paintyhands]

twenty eleven. kickin' kevin!

2011-01-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

i doubt myself. that's obvious.
so that is my goal for 2011. a resolution, if you shall [and you will].

no more doubt. know that you're awesome and kiss yourself every morning.
its a love revolution, my friends. discover it!

i am certainly not isaac newton.

2010-08-25T12:41:00.000-04:00

things continue to astound me. the fact that i have gotten worse at communicating is certainly one of those. and typing for that matter....and yet i still find myself blogging. ah the irony.

but that is for another time. another place.
recently ive been dealing with memories. and realizing that i have repressed much of my life. i find that i keep rediscovering things as if i was a child, but then remembering that i already knew them.
that doesnt make any sense.

whatever. go with it. so yes, there is the remembering. but i am also finding that i am getting caught up in the remembering. its such a delicate balance.
but i am finding that it in those memories where i have hidden my sadness and my fears and perhaps even myself. i am searching through them to find the exact moment that triggered the repression.
to find out why i wanted to stop remembering.
i have had a joyous life and many joyous experiences. most of the time i feel overwhelmed by all of the joy.
its like i said in my previous post, i look back to times and think that i am happy---but i know that i wasnt. but now, in the present, i think that i am happy.

still not making sense, heather.
whatever.

but there has to be this specific moment in my life when my brain subconsiously decided to stop incoming information, or atleast it decided to hide it from the part that communicates with the rest of my body [sans science terms, i know]. and that is the moment i am searching for.
some sort of weird self-therapy.

for example, last night i was having a drink with an old dear friend of mine, lauren. she was talking about her recent experiences at BADA in oxford [where she got to hang out with john barton and alan rickman...insert insane amounts of jealousy here] and was talking about one of her master classes. in that class, her teacher said that [and im paraphrasing, of course], that we, as actors, have to fight against that moment, as children, where we first become ashamed of our imagination. he said that it comes to us around 9 to 11 years old and we are constantly fighting to be that 8 year old kid again.
and right there, in that moment. i remember being in the 5th grade and a friend michelle of mine coming over...and i accidentally asked her if she wanted to play barbies. after i asked, before she answered, i remember feeling so ashamed, so embarrassed that i still played with barbies. but then she answered yes, and i was so happy that we could play, but deep down i never forgot that horrid feeling of embarrassment...

but then i did forget it. i forgot it until last night. and that is what i feel like most of my life has been up to until now. i am exaggerating, of course. but so often, i feel like much of my life has been repressed. or atleast my reaction to experiences in my life has been repressed.
i doubt that makes any sense...i am just trying to understand my heart and soul and mind right now and most of it will be meaningless nonsense that comes out of my mouth...but bear with me...it is important to me.

it could be the gluten...

2010-08-13T15:46:00.000-04:00

man, sometimes i wish it was just the gluten. i have decided to write this post in the lowest valley of a depressed mood i am in.
i do not know what is wrong with me. i know that it is not anyone else around me, although it is mostly the people around me that suffer...but i cannot stand myself lately.
i find myself looking to former times in my life and hoping, praying that i could be that happy again.

but then the kicker [there always is one], i also look back to those times and try to remember how i felt and i know for a fact that i was not happy during those times easier.
i have never been diagnosed with depression. i have talked to so many therapists over the years--each of them telling me that i was extraordinary in dealing with the things that i have been through and that there is nothing wrong with my mind, but that i am tip-top shape mental health wise.

perhaps its been building to this, perhaps its always been like this and ive been numb to it. probably its neither of those and i am just trying to make excuses.
the truth is that so often i have horrid thoughts of myself and my life. and i am able to stand outside of it and go "girl! check yourself before you wreck yourself..seriously." and i do. and im fine.
im just exhausted of dealing with this on my own. and i know that it is my own to deal with.

its just so hard and yes ill be redundant, im so exhausted.
today i woke up depressed and that usually doesn't happen. it normally comes on at night, never first thing. and ive been walking around downtown moping. i feel pathetic. i feel like i am in a hole or some weird snow globe. more likely the latter.

i just want out of this snow globe. i want happiness to win over. i am a happy person, i am just drowning in fake snow right now.

so much inspiration sans motivation.

2010-08-07T16:47:00.001-04:00

so i have come to realize that in spite of the numerous blogs i have drafted over the past month, i have not posted any of them.
well, lets get the boring stuff over with first.

i have a job. actually, i have two jobs. wee lets jump up and down because...wait for it...

keep a'waitin....both of those jobs are in the arts. heck no techno its true!! i am employed at the clarence brown theatre for the season as...wait for it...lead house manager. sweet, beautiful, talented jimmy brimer is retiring. how can i ever be that awesome? dont even bother answering, your answer wont even do justice to the fact that he is far grander than i will be.

secondly, i am working as a visual service representative and gift shop cashier at the knoxville museum of art.
so technically its three jobs...but who's counting right?

so yay! no more whining over unemployment. only squeeling over all the artistic inspiration i am exposed to every single day.
but blah blah blah...moving on...what would a good blog be without a bit of woe?

so in spite of all this...i have a slight glitch in my life. i dont know what i want to do. i dont even know how to even begin to explain that statement and i dont even think that statement does my true feelings justice...and we all know if anything needs justice...its my true feelings. and probably oppressed peoples...they probably have motivation.
i just dont know. and i feel like whining. i feel blessed. i have a zee jobs. i have a zee income [kinda]...i am restarting to save for nyc...and finally add da monies back into my bank account and not taking them out...
but i feel like im wasted and spent. and i am only 24 years old. okay wait no, that was a blatant lie [don't act like youve never told one before]...i feel like there is not enough time to do what i want in life.
i want to do everything. i want to act. i want to quilt. i want to design fabric. i want to draw. i want to paint. i want to distress furniture. i want to screen print. i want to graphic design. i was to illustrate. i want to read. i want to own a restaurant. i want to own a book shop. i want to travel. i want to drink a lot of good coffee [and maybe some bad]. i want to jump in a lake with no intention of getting out.
i want to inspire other people with my creations.

you know, that sort of stuff...the problem is that i have no idea where to start. foremost, i feel like i got the wrong degree...or maybe i should go get another degree...in studio art or design [graphic, interior...whatevs]...i dont know...what the hell am i talking about going back to school?

i am blessed. yes, i am being redundant. but i just want to create. i have this huge need to do that...and i feel like im not feeding that need...poor need. if only i neglected twitter that way.
oh well. i am going to finish this blog by stating that i am going to go take a self-crippling nap. i plan on it taking only 25 minutes, but we all know it will probably take 2 hours. and then im going to go learn lines...because i really need to do that.
thats probably a good place to start.

oh well...we'll see how this goes. maybe vomiting all of this out will help to organize it and start something with my life. perhaps i should get up at 7 am each day and quilt...or stay up til 5 am and paint...
who knows.
there is no set way for success.
gross, heather you sound like a self-help book. hey! maybe ill go buy a self-help book.
oh dear me...nap now.

ciao.

oh no, a banana won't do.

2010-07-01T16:14:00.000-04:00

new month. new words to rhyme.

so today i have chosen to be productive and happy. and its working. i think even my cat believes me.
i know i do. its pretty awesome.
so i was suppose to potentially get a job working with my aunt, but there is a "conflict of interest" according to her boss, that family cannot work with family.

whoa whoa. apparently the old fashioned small business ideals have gone out the window. when did blood relations become a conflict of interest?
but take note, dear reader, i am not upset or angry, mainly just...amazed at this.

so, i am back at square one. actually, i dont think i ever left square one, but for the benefit of the doubt and honestly, for the benefit of my sanity, we will say i got to square 1.246. they don't even have to give me a whole half of a square [i know, it doesnt make sense...no need to comment], but i did move off of square one. ish.

so yes, here i reside. square one [i lost the .246, obviously]...and i think i am realizing [maybe?] that this is more about my own perception that the actual reality of finding a job.
okay that sounds like a crock of shit.

but that is how i am going to look at it from today. now. at 4ish pm-ish on wednesday. i am still avoiding you restaurant and retail world. but i am changing my perception of you administrative/clerical/office world. i know that one of you will hire me. okay i dont really know that, but again, for the benefit of my sanity [because that's all that matters right now...honestly], we are going to say that one of you will hire me.
and i know that i can do better work that most of the 30 to 40 somethings that you might hire. i can type faster. and some would say im prettier. [only some] and although i cannot bullshit about myself on paper or a resume, [because i do have several ounces of self-esteem and well, pride, actually] i can surely be nice to someone that isn't being nice to me.
and truly...isn't that what this is all about?

loving and being nice?
bah. hum bug.

cheerio!

girl, what's all this strife?

2010-06-30T16:50:00.002-04:00

okay. so ive been back from madrid for...let's say two weeks.
and in those two weeks, i have been relentlessly in pursuit of a job. i have filled out applications, i have googled, i have bing-ed. shoo, ive even craigslisted [and that got me places no one needs to go].

so here i am. mid-week. hump day, if you will. sitting on my couch on my laptop. looking for something. i going to be a secretary. im going to quilt. im going to get an acting internship.
yah well, not right now.
and i got angst. like whoa. okay, my brain knows that my life is not measured by these two docile weeks or the ones that are probably going to come. but i am measuring it...my heart is measuring it. blahhhhhhhh......

and i am tired of having emotional breakdowns and feeling sad. looking back over things i write and jot down, i am always tired of this...but it this is it. it. done.

futhermore, i feel that because i am not doing anything productive RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT...i am in turn not productive. i should have moved to nyc. i should have had this moment planned two years ago.
well i didnt.
thus, i am disappointing. i am never going to be creative or successful. i feel that in this moment [graduating, moving on, etc.] i should be the most energetic and focused i have ever been...and well....i aint.

i am just going to blog this stuff away. so be ready for it. like whoa.

documenting my life.

2010-06-29T12:05:00.002-04:00

my life.
sometimes when i hear it, i think the most fascinating, limitless, amazing things.
and then sometimes i feel like jumping out a window.
ive felt both very strongly.

but then again, i guess all of us have.
so i think i am needing to write to get out what is inside. and not write with a purpose, or even a semi-purpose [if those exist], but write with intention. intention to find out my heart, my mind, and my soul.

thats what ill write about.
and today, my heart is joyful yet hopeless. on behalf of jobs. finding a job is horrid....especially when you're on a strict [and very much needed] schedule to get a job and do not desire to work in restaurant and/or retail.
i am attempting to hold fast to those two ideas. no retail. no restaurant.

but who knows, in two weeks, i could be begging for a job at babies 'r' us.
maybe you can remind me not to crawl on my knees for it.

hmmmm.

making us special.

2010-02-02T23:55:00.002-05:00

so let me ask a question that has been on my heart the past week.
am i special?

this is going to sound like a really strange blog and honestly i have no idea where it might go because i always just feel like im whiny recently. whining and crying.
dont get me wrong, i am incredibly happy in my life. and incredibly off center. thats therefore why i am whining and crying.

lately i have felt smaller than everyone around me.
thats all i know how to put into words.

lost was awesome tonight. and i made some awesome lentil soup with curry. or curried lentil soup as the recipe said.
will, you're blog was...as ben said, uncomfortable. but beautiful, as always.
i am making rosettes tomorrow at work.

i am not making sense anymore. and yellow is still my favorite color.
maybe i should do a julie powell thing...only less whiny. im off to a bad start.
sketch a day...recipe a day...watercolor painting a day...spanish word a day...ehh...break a plate a day...ride a rollercoaster a day...buy a plane ticket a day...what can i do each day that might give me direction?

well this isnt where i started my blog post hoy.
hasta luego.

7245 winchester drive.

2010-01-27T23:52:00.002-05:00

that has been my address for the past [nearly] four years. thats a fun fact, i suppose. now, i suppose, that fun fact will be changing. graduating college is weird.

[and to answer will's comment...i havent graduated from college officially, yet. i say 'technically' because my DARS report is all blue and all my requirements are filled--except one--and im taking that class with another this semester. so im not even a full time student]

thus, what am i doing with my life. well to reference my previous post...i am watching lost. and gearing up for february 2nd. 6th season as well as oscar nominations. thanks anne hathaway.
did you know that shakespeare was married to an anne hathaway? thats got to be cool for the rachel getting married star.
speaking of shakespeare. i am take kate buckley's shakespeare class this semester. oh my word. what an amazing thing. i wish i could explain everything that i am learning in that class. its based on the first folio technique and this is mainly for jessika...i would love to tell you about it when i visit you. youll find it amazing.

i am going to nyc in about...a month. changing around my life. needing a ton of prayer. drinking alot of tea. eating pizza too.
finding my name in inanimate objects.
i am really unfocused in my life right now. which is ironic because i feel i need to be really focused right now.
i am living in limbo, or a fertile void as one of my professors has called it.
regardless, i feel like i have a ton of energy and no direction.

thus, explains my blog.
bear with me in the coming posts and months. don't forget about me. don't erase me. i need you.

lost season five.

2010-01-25T23:00:00.002-05:00

well hello dear friends. let me be self-indulgent and welcome myself back to the blogging world. or the interactive world in general.
i am back dear friends and i do promise that in the coming days i shall share tid bits of fairly useless information that will likely change none of our lives, yet we will never be the same.

and as for my title...i am finally watching lost season five to gear up for the final season that is a brewing.
theatre is well. chaucer is still furry. howl brought me a dead bird yesterday. i really like shrimp curry now and i am technically graduated from college.

what a neato, skeeto life we have friends.

no result for a. bird's 'sovay.'

2009-07-28T16:33:00.002-04:00

before i was shot, i always thought that i was more half-there than all-there – i always suspected that i was watching TV instead of living life. people sometimes say that the way things happen in movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen in life that's unreal. the movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television – you don't feel anything. right when i was being shot and ever since, i knew that i was watching television. the channels switch, but it's all television.

-andy warhol.

when the night becomes day.

2009-07-28T01:32:00.003-04:00

im going to keep going with a subject. that of my lack o' sleep.

last night as i was laying down and drifting off [thanks to unisom], i started thinking. and the thinking was absolutely beautiful.
i realized that i wish i had a pen and paper to write down everything that went through my mind as i slipped away.
the thoughts were amazing. and everything made so much sense. it was amazing.
i could write a beautiful poem or song or play or story or screenplay or paper or anything during that time.
just give me a bit of exhaustion and a comfy pillow and you have the recipe for genius.

now if only i can relay it into real life and real time.
there is the catch that only the greatest accomplish.

check.

just came in from the san francisco bay.

2009-07-27T02:50:00.004-04:00

oh the bittersweet fighting of sleep.
i find that in the past week, sleep has not come easy to me. in fact, it has come quite difficultly.
thus, my mind races with nonsensical [sometimes sensical] ideas, dreams, random shallow-dream-esque thoughts that all mold into one in the dark.

and tonight i am thinking of memories. the making of new ones and the resurfacing of old ones.
this past weekend i went to san francisco. beautiful, amazing city. cannot wait to return.
it truly is a foreign city on american soil.
and yet, as i return to marysville this evening, i cannot sleep. i believe its the mixture of the-excitement-of-the-vacation-being-over sadness mixed with anticipation to return to tennessee [and theatre...thank goodness]. so thus, i instantly netflixed a favorite movie of my past [my much younger past]...

new memory [and an addition to chaucer's traveling album]:

and the nextflixing of christmas past:

ah...good, goodnight.

you're a well rehearsed cliche.

2009-07-19T21:17:00.002-04:00

i am newly addicted to the reading entertainment that is charlaine harris.
it causes me to emote immensely, often throwing the book to hysterical bouts of laughter and fits of rage.

how lovely.
i just love books books books.
i wish i read them slower.

don't believe all the who-hay.

2009-07-08T10:52:00.002-04:00

my favorite michael jackson quote.
in reference to him talking to a reporter:

" Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, 'I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,' people would say, 'Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.'"

—Michael Jackson

sweet, sweet Michael. RIP.

its stored in my cache.

2009-07-07T02:29:00.002-04:00

drop.
she sneezes.
'bless you,' he says.

there is a long pause. all that can be heard is the slow drip of the leaky faucet and the hum of the refrigerator.

the refrigerator shuts off.
drip.

'bless you, i said,' he repeats.

'no. i didnt feel that,' she said. 'the sneeze, i couldnt feel it.'

i cannot convey.

2009-07-01T20:42:00.003-04:00

i have always thought of myself as a healthy eater. but i promise you, the new dunkin donuts nearest my abode will be the death of me [point to conan]. blueberry cake donuts are a staple of my childhood.
and hello iced french vanilla coffee with cream and sugar.
american runs of dunkin...into their glutton, artery clogged graves.

oh no.
atleast they are not serving ice cream sundaes like krispy kreme is about to be.
krispy kreme just wants the world to die faster.

yah. ive seen the yeti.

2009-06-15T22:42:00.000-04:00

i need accountability for this.
i had the strangest shallow dream the other day.

i wrote a screenplay. an its all in my head, i just need to get it out.
and i tracked down sam mendes to direct it.
i think i have enough luck to do that, or atleast get his opinion on it.
and then have will rucker direct it...yah ill do that.

a new month already?

2009-06-10T00:27:00.002-04:00

june is french pressed coffee drinking, cultural anthropologing, nashvilling with the A [and B and W] team[ing], american pop culturizing, conan[do]-ing, summer quilting, costume shopping, movie going, book reading, taking time for walking, music listening all without a side of sleeping.

hey summa.

[dont] fear the reader.

2009-05-29T17:25:00.010-04:00

a bit of my cross-country project.
starring frederick the polar bear with chaucer the teddy bear.

onward to discover america more!

the college of an eraser.

2009-05-29T02:13:00.001-04:00

i really love being stuck inside my head with my thoughts.

wait. wheres the toast? waiter!

2009-05-27T21:16:00.003-04:00

you know that feeling when you suddenly feel [redundancy heather...] that everything is going to be a-okay?

yep, i had that one today.
driving across beale air force base. pass the cows under trees and the wild turkeys. all while listening to the intro of "american girl" by tom petty.

aw shucks. thanks tom.
:she was an american girl:

seem awfully appropriate on a US military installation. ah, zee irony.

oh new post. three months later.

2009-05-26T07:55:00.004-04:00

im certain i can find something really easy [too easy] to rhyme with later.
but more on that...[wait for it]...later. ha pun.

seventh day in california. beautiful and hot here. turkeys. gophers. mysterious breaking glass [i think it was a gopher]. musical crickets i swear. and wildfires around PAVE PAWS.
everything one would want california to be.

and im blogging at 5 am because i just woke up nauseated. but boy am i glad i woke up.
they say that the average person [dont know whether im above, equal to, or below] swallows seven spiders in their lifetime.
i just woke up to meet what i believe is number three.

i named him sinclair.

freetown, thats the capital of sierra leone.

2009-02-20T01:14:00.001-05:00

i wrote this years ago and finally felt the need to post it.
i entitled it 'long division.' guy patching performed it as a monologue in the fall of 2006.

It was the dead of winter in January of 1995. Christmas trees and decorations had already been taken down and the only ones that remained were haunting remnants that the holiday season and cheer were far gone. At Adrian Burnett Elementary School in Mrs. Widener's 3rd and 4th grade split class, the children worked diligently on their assignments as the morning passed. It was not an extraordinary day in the slightest bit and not one soul in the room expected what was soon coming. A tall, blonde woman came into the room without knocking. She was wearing a calf-length, leather trench coat and her long, straight hair was pulled into a french twist. She quietly motioned for the teacher and spoke to her quietly. Very few of the children in the room knew this woman, let alone her purpose there.

However, as a bony, awkward girl of eight looked up from her long division, she saw her mother standing over her.

"Heather, your mother is going to take you home now," Mrs. Widener said in a calm, collected voice.

No one spoke, not even to say good-bye to Heather. Perhaps they all knew what she did not.

As Heather and her mother walked out of the school building, Heather's mom, Cindy, began to sob.

"What is it mom?" she asked casually.
"Nothing darlin', nothing at all. Just wait until we get home."
"Did someone die? Did papaw die, mom?"

Silence.

The drive to their condominium was unmemorable. Heather racked her mind to think of the possibilities of why her mother was not at work and why she was now out of school. The front door opened into the living room and down the hall into the kitchen stood Dene, Cindy's fiancé. There was no lights on in the condo, just the natural light flowing in from the windows.

Dene and Cindy nodded to each other with careless recognition and then Cindy pulled herself down to one knee onto Heather's eye level.

"Heather, your father committed suicide this morning. He's gone sweetheart."

It's funny what one notices when they are told grieving news. Heather did not scream wildly or cry out for answers.

On the contrary she suddenly remembered she hadn't finished her long division or even put it back in her desk. Her mother embraced her, sobbing all the while. It wasn't her papaw who has died. It was her father. No tears came to her eyes, only the vision of the blank television screen behind her mother.

introducing a new monthly homophone.

2009-02-08T14:51:00.002-05:00

i dont enjoy being angry on this thing.

it would be absolutely utterly amazing if you were excited for my opening. if you even wished me happy opening. if you even acknowledged that i have worked my ass off these past few months for this show.

no, maybe i shouldnt be upset. i havent even realized its opening tonight. yah, you're right. there's no reason for today to be exciting or special. okay. right, yah. yah. i havent been stressed about the show or even anxious. ive been entirely calm. everything is running smoothly. and that mildly stresses me out. the no stress is rather stressful. its just a beautiful [adoringly beautiful] sunday here in knoxville.

"ill just call you later if i get a chance."

you find something to rhyme with ana.

2009-01-29T00:54:00.001-05:00

rebecca haden's brother's video which i am using in part for my vertical work. this is just simply amazing to me.

oh the sweet jazz infusions of santana.

2009-01-27T01:21:00.001-05:00

ive gotten on a new kick of inspiration.

and i havent cried in nearly a week and a half. something is afoot.

my dad always loved a glass of tropicana.

2009-01-24T19:20:00.004-05:00

my title is a lie. my dad preferred five a-live.

happy fourteen years to my dearest father. i miss you too very much.
i am so thankful for the beautiful memories of you and your life.

and he was quite hot if i do say so myself [and i do].

just go be a dancer. . .in havana.

2009-01-23T04:39:00.003-05:00

how you know i have test tomorrow.

naturally, my house is the cleanest it has ever been in quite sometime. clean sheets. laundry done, hung, and folded. vaccumed carpet. freshly seasoned iron skillets.

i made new candle holders out of old wine glasses and made a lovely arrangement for it on my kitchen island. i did finally take down my dead christmas tree. what a hysterical mess.

i've rearranged my bedroom to angle my bed in the corner. ive relocated large piles of books. sheesh. i should honestly invest in about 3 more bookcases. or shelves. or both. yes, certainly both. but my piles certainly do look quite pretty right now.

i took a small paint brush to my coffee table at around 2 36 am. with intent to just paint a few simple strokes, i halted the painting at 3 24am after sanding and priming the entire table.
perhaps ill paint it light grey this weekend. and then print leaves on it. again. maybe. or maybe not.

geeeez. i should be studying african countries. botswana. angola. democratic republic of the congo. not havana though. i should definitely not know that one. 54 countries. and their capitals.

dear me. keep me away from my sewing machine. i could make you an entirely new three-piece suit complete with contrasting lining.

oh, and then i blog about. schooool. oh eight!

the dearest, frequently angry. . .adriana

2009-01-21T12:45:00.005-05:00

oh carol, of course ill meet you at 3 pm. do you know?

yes my friends, shakespeare is quite hard to tackle.

and then you learn how to read him.

and then hot dog.
'tis but a peevish boy...yet he talks well.

mrs. white, your first name? oh right...vanna.

2009-01-20T10:26:00.004-05:00

8 30 am tuesday morning yoga.

obama's inauguration proceedings on the television [tube].
olafur arnalds and sigur ros playing in the background of my living room.
two million people in washington dc.

and i found out that i am far more patient with the left side of my body than the right side.

"for those who are appropriately humbled by this day..."

an unmarried woman cannot fish alone in montana.

2009-01-14T10:36:00.004-05:00

my routine in the morning.

so as a general rule of thumb for myself [very recently acquired], i really enjoy getting up in the morning [about 2 to 3 hours before i have to be somewhere] to just be around the house.

eat english muffins.
drink chocolate soy milk.
listen to sigur ros and explosions and simon and garfunkel. and ryan adams.

then pending the day, ill shower. and days when i shower are just far better in general and not for the obvious reason one may think. oh contrare! showering mornings are better for me because they serve as the salvation of the roof of my mouth.

you see, when i do shower in the morning, i brush my teeth when i get out of the shower. and i really brush my teeth...normally for about a good 5-7 minutes. perhaps even 10. but i dont just sit around and brush my teeth during this allotted time, i do other things...things that further my 'getting ready' process.
so on these showering days, im normally in a robe or a towel...something that does not hinder my tooth-brushing experience.

well today. on this glorious wednesday.

i did not shower.
i just woke up [with only an hour to spare before i had to leave] and ate my english muffin. drank my soy milk. then i went to get ready. i had on jeans and a tanktop and went to brush my teeth.
[insert toothbrush into mouth].

i then decide "im going to finish getting dressed now."
and i do. i choose to wear an argyle sweater.
i pull it out of my closet and attempt to put it on. [toothbrush in mouth].

really heather?
no.no heather. you should not.
but i did. and the toothbrush of course got stuck on the sweater and pushed into my mouth.

toothpaste and spit everywhere. and a cut on the roof of me mouth...
i remember the good, safe times when my mother still dressed me in bed in the morning when i refused to get up...

the muted string of skinner's dulciana.

2009-01-11T16:22:00.005-05:00

for those who slightly understand freud.

so, as freud states in his interpretation of dreams, dreams are the royal road to the unconscious. they are a subconscious key to our unconscious desires. they are distorted and loaded visions of what we truly want in life. we get into the latent and manifestation of dreams and such and blah, blah blah, bottom line is, frankly i don't understand my dreams and most certainly the one i had last night.

so to begin with my literal manifestation of the dream, here is what i recall.

it began in a movie theatre. very much like a movie. except i dont recall any of the movie but for its end. it was themed in a jurassic park-esk tone. except on a ride. ride-like form, if you will. so in the end of this dream movie, there was a tyrannasaurus rex. a fairly large one [abiding by my freudian manifestation], and we were moving along a set path.
only in our frontal plane [being it a ride] and myself and another person [i have no idea who] were stuck on a riding cart with this tyrannasaurus rex. think of joseph mazzello and ariana richards in the car with the glass in jurassic park.

then, this undisclosed partner of mine and myself began to remove the outer skin of the t-rex's skull [as such can be seen in hannibal]. thus, we expose his brain.

all the while, i am thinking that the second cart, full of my rescue party, is not arriving fast enough to help us de-scalp the kicking and screaming t-rex we have in our mine cart.
finally, the second cart arrives [mostly out of no where] and with our forces combined, we throw the t-rex onto the african soil surrounding us and cover him in dead grass.

following this, the camera angle [now my view of the dream] pans over city tops in new york city where there are album covers and cds piled on top of the buildings and i think "in tennessee, people would certainly steal those off the building tops."

as the camera continues to pan out, my point of view comes into seeing this on a television in front of me. i am surrounded by my friends who i assume to be amanda, audrey, andrea, adam, beth, ben, will rucker and will hooper. i am certain that will hooper is there because as the television screen goes off and the 'video' is over, we are all silent. . . . .

then the silence is broken as will hooper states, "alright. let's go and process this. i suggest we all start with a ballad."

fin.

i am really, truly intrigued to find out the latent meaning of this dream.

where, my dearest freud, does your [or my rather] id, ego, and super ego fit into such.

you say 'piˈænoʊ,' i say 'piˈæna.'

2009-01-09T00:54:00.003-05:00

i'm an only child, but i have one sister.

dearest jessica.
you are absolutely stunning. you are beautiful and radiant. a beacon of hope in my life and in those around you. you are amazingly strong and courageous. you are ambitious and your smile is captivating. thank you for infecting my life with joy. you are one of the key components of the happiness that runs through me. you are a cornerstone of hope.
a thousand times thank you.

i remember mulan. and mushu. and dancing to spider webs. and squishing your tigger and her one ear sticking out. and boosh kitty. and ridiculously good chocolate milk. and lots of cereal. tons of cereal. and that crazy mcdonalds swingset in your yard that later became my yard.

and attempting to play horse with you. and losing. and not being able to dribble and run. and driving golf carts with you.

my gracious girl, you are wonderful. words are utterly failing me. but you are...my sister.
my dearest jess, i love you.

what? jersey is no where close to louisana.

2009-01-08T01:05:00.002-05:00

inspired by ryan adams "the shadowlands."

until recently, i have never been capable of feeling. i existed, but i never felt. i never felt with intent or passion. i used to pray constantly for feeling. for a lack of the numbness which i never felt.

until recently, i have been capable of love. of love full and reckless. [i have loved recklessly.] i have been able to love without abandonment. without boundaries.

however. i cannot fuse the two.

i can now feel. and i can now not love.

i feel fully. i feel deeply and intensely. i feel wholly. and i love nothing. no one.

oh how i can feel! god what i could feel with this! what i can feel...what i do feel!

yet i cannot love now.
god please bring the rain.
please let me love now.
yah bring it soon.
i feel now!
let it flood right through the houses.
please god let me love with this.
into judy's room.
i can love with this.

most people never find the love.

i'm getting better at opening a banana.

2009-01-07T09:48:00.002-05:00

a strangely beautiful morning in knoxville.

i couldnt sleep well last night. the last time i looked at the clock was 3:11. i dont remember exactly falling asleep [which i suppose is how it works] and when my alarm went off this morning [informing me of the crimes committed when and where during the night], i resorted into beckett mode.

i finally got up at 9:17. i pulled on my cardigan and walked in the kitchen. lit my tea candle. turned on itunes. poured my soy milk. put the tea kettle on. toasted my english muffins. fried an egg. fried. fried. buttered it all and sat down to eat.

starir a mig litill alfur
hleypur að mér en hreyfist ekki
ustað - sjalfur
staralfur

my tea kettle whistled on and on until it ran out of water.

silence is pouring into my life like water into a sinking ship.
nothing.

why in tarnation would jasper want an english yew?

2008-12-31T11:16:00.003-05:00

inspired by semi-sleep sleeping thoughts.

im trying to think of the best way to begin this. i suppose i'll start like this. . .when i was younger, i used to have these absolutely absurd dreams. the object in my dreams, that i remember vividly, was popcorn, but it varied from night to night, nap to nap. yet, popcorn is certainly one i recall. well, in this dream, with this popcorn, i was terrified. i have never been able to pinpoint exactly which, but the popcorn was either too large for me to grab a hold of because i could only touch a small portion, or it was either drastically smaller and i was the gigantic one. no matter how many times i had these dreams, i would wake up screaming. one day in particular, i remember dene [my mom's fiancee at the time] came running upstairs to wake me because i was yelling for my mom. i was yelling for my mom all because of this popcorn kernal that was not equal in size to me [in whatever way].

i don't have those dreams often anymore, but sometimes, if i'm in the right state of mind, right before i go to sleep...i begin to feel overwhelmed by this change in perspective. this 'not being able to hold the popcorn properly' sort of feeling. but now, the scenery has changed. in my more recent semi-sleep dreams, im acres away from anyone. im lying in a field the size of ten football fields, sinking into the ground, and no one is around. but im so happy. laying in my bed, i feel the walls melt away, the ceiling....chaucer--my bear--and im just there. everything is entirely out of perspective, but im not scared at all anymore, im just safe.

if that makes any sense at all.
la di da.

i promise one day you'll make your debut.

2008-12-29T14:14:00.005-05:00

tom stoppard wrote a play called the real thing. it opened in new york city on january 5, 1984 at the plymouth theatre. it was directed by mike nichols. ive been reading it over and over the past few days.
when i read a good book, see a good play, watch a phenomenal movie...i process through it and then i want to talk about it. talk about it constantly. talk about it with other people and how it affected them. how they saw it. what insight they can help me see into it that i cant see with my experiences.
this post catalogues a conversation i had with david about it about how a mysterious copy of the real thing got onto the bookshelf.

[david playing his psp. he doesnt look up]
heather [holding up a copy of stoppard's play]: hey. do you know what this is?
silence.
heather: david. did you ever have to buy this for class?
david [not looking up]: buy what?
heather: this play. have you ever read it before.
david glances to play.
david: no. ive never seen it before.
heather: do you know what it is?
david [still looking at video game]: no.
heather: are you sure?
david: yes.
heather: do you know who tom stoppard is?
david [continually engrossed in video game]: yes.
heather: have you ever read any tom stoppard?
david: yes.
heather: have you ever read this play?
david: no
heather: have you read arcadia?
david: no.
heather: have you read rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead?
david: no.
heather: night and day? jumpers? travesties? the invention of love? the coast of utopia? co-wrote the screenplay for shakespeare in love?
david [enamored by his psp]: no, no heather. that doesn't interest me like it does you.
heather: oh, okay.

fin.

"heather, please line your eyes with bat goo"

2008-12-28T15:44:00.005-05:00

cindy lee mcdevitt. i love you. [this must be whole-heartedly understood]. for you, my dear mother, are a funny, crazy lady...in every schizophrenic sense of the word. and this is for you.

my mom chastises me about the mundane things in life...brushing my hair, doing my make-up, showering daily, and mainly, my clothes. she says im not her daughter. but on the contrary, i am. my mom is very surface oriented. she cares about what people think and say and do. which is fine. it brings her pleasure to know people think well of her [or hurts her if not] so by all means, let her care.

so in the spirit of the christmas season just passed, i thought i would humor my mom. i thought i would wear eye liner...define my features for once. "care about my appearance," as my mother says.

so i did.

and i suppose i looked beautiful, in whatever way that's defined. or atleast the way it's defined by my mother. [i call her mom, by the way]. and then...
then i watched it's a wonderful life. for the first time. oh dear me have mercy. it's beautiful.
it made me cry.
no, that's an understatement. it made me...wail, blubber...sob. if those even begin to encompass the emotion i was feeling.
all while i was honoring my mother with eye liner.

so i left my friend's house where i watched the movie and promptly drove to borders to see if i could...i dont even remember what i wanted to do, i just wanted to stop bawling over this movie.

now bear in mind when i go to borders...i go to borders...i was in there for about a good 25 minutes and then i had to pee. [i always have to pee when i go to borders...i think it's something in the air].
so i walk to the bathroom and after setting off the bathroom stealer alarm for trying to take my books in there...i finally get into the bathroom. i use it and then go to wash my hands.

dear me. what the hell.
i had black and blue streaming down my face. noticable, defined lines of black and blue. i looked like a chick right out of richard thompson's song. forget bette davis eyes...lovely.

thank you mother. i am sincerely sure i would have made you so proud in front of that mirror. emo eyes and all.
so with that said, i suppose the point of this entire blog is to say, screw you mom. i love you more than life, but screw you. you'll just have to respect my barely-mascared blue eyes and non-dyed hair and old lady-like clothes that you would never wear...i love you mom.

its actually a bit small from this angle.

2008-10-27T20:47:00.003-04:00

something that ive been considering in the past month or so is perspective. its just interesting how you see something pending where you are. i know that sounds mundane, and in a way it is, but honestly, its something i feel i overlook often.

the thing that got me thinking about this was the price of gas. im not complaining about the price of gas, i don't see any use in it. but honestly, its something i feel spells out this point. a few years ago, none of us would have said $2.50 for gas was "cheap." but lo and behold, here we are, in the weeks prior and to this day, "man, gas is cheap."

so that was a tangent to express my point. something else that i realized was yesterday when i was flying back from san antonio [side note: amazing weekend, amazing city, amazing period.] as we were flying, i looked out the window at the neighborhoods. they were miniscule. again, i know that sounds obvious, but it made me realize something. i got to thinking about the people that were in these miniscule neighborhoods. how much time and effort they put into their middle class house and merecedes. but from my perspective, there was no distinction. i could not tell the rich neighborhoods from the "hoods" themselves.

i dont exactly know what i think when ive been thinking about this, but its certainly put me outside my box. in a surreal way. ill try and elaborate on this more in the coming week, and to you will, i promise i will write more in the coming week.

garbanzo beans are delicious.

2008-09-15T05:52:00.002-04:00

my mind is racing but my body is so weary right now. i am contemplating dropping a class. i am contemplating dropping my costuming class. i dont know why, but i think it might be better.

i was driving home from the library this morning at 3 am [3 hours ago as it is currently 5:54 here in beautiful knoxville] and i was just overwhelmed with emotion. i think most of it stemmed from the fact that mark text messaged me tonight. i think his message was the icing on the cake. my friends astound me. every last single one of them. people in general astound me. i am constantly grateful for the goodness of people. i absolutely love people. in the past week i have certainly seen what john meant. i have been extremely well-loved by others and i am very grateful.
i want to type out every name and a personalized thank you to each and every one, and i think will when the time comes [the time that is not filled with papers and costuming deadlines and readings and plays and more plays and continually more plays].

i just want everyone to know that i am beyond thankful. beyond words for the gratitude of my friends. each and every one of you are beautiful and fantastic. even in the mess of this world and the muck of our lives, you all are constantly beautiful.

and we used to be so ambitious.

2008-09-08T14:53:00.001-04:00

oh i could honestly scream. i have been what one would call a 'mixed bag' of emotions lately. im sad about david leaving. im excited about the opportunities that the air force holds for him. im relieved for his leaving so i can get my work done. and after today, im pissed and confused.
it takes a good bit of something to make me pissed and today, that good bit was breached.

in all of this air force jazz with david, i have tried to take a backseat to what david was going through. i have tried to keep the questions and comments to a bare minimum because i know how david is about being interrogated. but today, david calls me on my 15-minute break from class to tell me that he opted out of signing a 4-year contract to sign a 6-year one.

[dead silence]

"why?"
"because i thought it was the better option."
"yah, but WHY?"

explanations ensue about the length of training and such and nearly by the end of the 4 years, most people are stuck with the question of signing another contract of 4 years and continuing to 8 or leaving the air force at 4 years with little to no experience.

[dead silence]

"okay."

no, no heather, that's not okay. tell him what you actually think. and i did. i got home and told i was honestly to gracious pissed off at him. i am pissed off that he did not consider asking me and that signed away two more years of OUR lives. throughout this entire process, david has been hazy on what exactly he will be doing and where he will be doing it. he is not clear on anything except the fact that he leaves tomorrow at 6 am for san antonio. and he signed on the dotted line for 6 years.
i am trying so hard to be supportive, but honestly, today, im confused and hurt.

"well, i did not sign a contract for you."
jesus, please meet me here. please, lord god, breathe life into this situation and come in between us. help this make sense and hold my hand down whatever path this is pointing cause i certainly know that i do not know.

i could always turn around and flee.

2008-08-29T23:37:00.002-04:00

so this is ridiculously lame. i have a tendency to cry at fairly mundane things. examples would be target commercials, danny's end speech on full house, tree houses, butterflies, most woodland creatures, making whipped cream, windexing the counter, and apparently, now LOST.

i have not been an adamant LOST watcher. well, i watched seasons 1 and 2 about two years ago and i recently got season 3. mmm...and ive been watching it. like seriously watching it.

and apparently there is this episode where they concentrate on sun's past and when she goes and meets jin's father, who is a fisherman. oh good night. and the flowing of tears ensues.
he was such a joyous man. he was so excited to see sun and he asked her...he asked her how the wedding was.

oh dear me. jin's father was so sweet. i dont even know why i am writing this, but i was reminded of my dad. i love my father, so much. and i miss him, so much. in my mind, he is a great man. whenever i think of him, i think of sunny skies and friday afternoons. i think of me getting sick at school and him coming to pick me up in his suit. he then took me to hospital and bought me a pink bunny [my mom actually bought me the 'mommy' pink bunny that matched and they didnt even know each other was buying them!!!]. i recall another night when i was sick and he bathed me. i was half-asleep. he built me a treehouse out his barehands. he also made a dresser and a coat rack. he took apart his car and rebuilt it. it was beautiful.
it later became the car he took his life in.

i miss him. i love him. i am so thankful for his life. i am so thankful that when i think of my father, he is a strong and endearing man. i love looking at pictures of him. he was so generous and so handsome, if i do say so myself [and i do]. i am glad that i never had harsh adolescent fights with him. he is a great man.

gracious oh goodness. i miss that man. i cannot wait to see him and hug him.

you kissed me once under the oak tree.

2008-08-26T01:11:00.003-04:00

fourteen. 14. four and ten. eleven and three. nine and five. fourteen.
fourteen days until david leaves.

there have been ridiculous amounts of questions concerning his move and our relationship. and i would love to answer everyone: i dont know.
i think thats okay. i dont know. i know that david and i will be apart for atleast a year. perhaps more depending on school here in tennessee.

he's excited. im numb. after weeks and weeks, im still numb. i am sitting here trying to type what i am feeling and thinking, and garbage is coming out. i think i am sounding angry, im not angry, im numb.
numb. to feel nothing. to lack emotion. to lack response.
yes, i am lacking response. thank you, webster.

i have a tendency to get hermit-ish and burrow away. maybe this will dig me out, or bury my deeper.
i trust that god has a plan in this, whatever and wherever it may be.

rammmmbllezz

oh, please dont listen to the banshee.

2008-08-05T12:52:00.001-04:00

i am listening to satan's lies today. i am feeling plain. i am feeling worthless. i am not captivating.

i am freakin' whining.

in the spirit of the aviator.

2008-07-31T23:54:00.000-04:00

i feel i should jump on the 'dark knight' blogging bandwagon. and for good reason. tonight i saw the dark knight for the third time. ridiculous, i know. but honestly, brilliant. my friends, ethan and clint, have both written blogs recently pertaining to the anarchist ideals of the joker. in a perverted fashion, the joker does make a point that i feel is a very valid one. morals are corrupt. plans are corrupt. they will fail and they will crumble. and i feel that many people will misunderstand me when i say morals. i am a lover of jesus, but i do not feel that christianity is a true reflection of a relationship with christ. christianity is plans. it is guidelines that we put ourselves up against in order to judge our standing and progress.

the joker was right. "you have all these rules and you think they'll save you." oh they wont. we create a box for ourselves, boundaries, grounds that if we keep up with, we validate ourselves as okay. the joker shows two-face "how pathetic [the] attempts to control things really are."
its so true. if we create plans, if we create boundaries, we are living in a cage. we are living in christianity--religion. relationship versus religion. the difference is huge. one is a damp mine with no air while the other is a freedom and joy that is indescribable.

lastly, i feel that the end of the movie summed it up fairly well. "Sometimes, truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

perhaps im talking in circles, or too far-fetched, but it certainly makes sense in my non-nonsensical mind.

it caused a mudslide on the banks of the operator

2008-07-21T11:37:00.003-04:00

i think that the past week of my life can be described as numb. i find it strange, yesterday at church, my friend jill asked me how i was doing. she is one of my closer friends at church and her and i have similar backgrounds with our mothers, and long story short, when she asks me how i am doing, she is really asking me. and i really responded. i said i was numb and tired. david was sitting beside me and my friend corey on the other side and i felt trapped. i didn't want to answer openly and honestly. so i just stuck with my answer "numb and tired." then david chimed in. "we stayed up really late last night."

no. i wasn't, i am not, physically exhausted. this summer has been a physical paradise for me. i dont have a job, i am resting my body to a gluttonous point. my exhaustion is rooted in something deeper.

i am mentally and emotionally exhausted. in that single moment, in that single question, i realized how much i need god. this past week has been a distant week for me. god, i know, is not distant from me. i am distant from him. and myself for that matter. and when i become distant from christ, i become numb. and then the self-evaluations start and the ridicule that i give myself. i just need christ. and its becoming less of a need and more of a want. i do not want to lead my own life. i am a terrible pilot, possibly even a terrible co-pilot. but perhaps i should give the latter a chance, then potentially become a simple passenger. i dont know. i think thats alright, though.

she took us down to the edge of decatur

2008-07-14T11:26:00.002-04:00

i think in the past week my life has been coming to a head. it's quite strange. and honestly, it keeps my head spinning at unheard of speeds. in particular, my mother. i try so hard to love her as best as i can. when she was homeless, i tried to take her in, but her personality is so overbearing and dominating, that she makes it very hard. and for fairness, i know that she is sick, she is very sick. but its so difficult. i wish i could say with a clean conscience that i am a faithful lover to my mother and a consistent sister in christ. i am not. i am not at all.

i dont understand schizophrenia. i havent since my mother was diagnosed with it. my mind knows my mom is not well, that she has a disease just like any other person. the problem lies in the fact that her disease affects her relationships, how she interacts with people, and her personality in general. i know that sounds very simple. its schizophrenia. and i can tell myself all day long that she is just sick, she doesnt mean what she says, and i do do that, but i think im too sensitive. maybe thats another lie from satan. that im too much, yet that is another can of worms i'd not like to indulge in, yet.

my mom continues to surprise me. and i am trying to give it to god. i honestly know that this is something i've never completely turned over. i think its cause ive never felt control of it to begin with, how can i turn over something i cant even grasp.
i know in my mind that everything that has happened with my mother and father has brought me closer to god. it makes sense in my mind, but my heart still aches. my heart still aches for a mother and a father.
gosh, when i type this out, it seems so petty. i think i might nap now.

and honey nut cheerios finally changed the literature on the back of their box. i think softball-buzz was reigning on two years.

be the moon, reflect the son.

abraham lincoln was the great emancipator.

2008-07-06T17:32:00.002-04:00

oregon. god is amazing. god is absolutely breath-taking, amazing, beautiful, lovely, and i love that words fail me. today, one of my dearest friends is getting married, jacob stroop. david and i were very fortunate enough to be able to make it out here. and thank the lord. it is breath-taking here.

i love weddings. especially weddings of my best friends. its so joyous, fresh, and exciting. aly and jacob have been amazing. jacob has taken us in and over these past few days, i have just been in awe of friendship. i am so thankful for it. so thankful for loving community and other loving hearts. its so beautiful. being around friends is utterly indescribable. its the most comforting feeling i know, right now.

i have so many thoughts in my head right now, so many emotions, yet nothing is coming to mind. i bite my lip with anticipation and joy, but i cannot explain why. god is so beautiful. thank you jesus for community and nature. what an original you are...astounding.

stand up and thank her

2008-07-02T20:50:00.001-04:00

gracious to have goodness, i love mayfield chocolate ice cream. the regular type. geez o' petes. i remember when i was younger, my mom would fix me a bowl. i wouldnt eat it, but stir it up. well david bought me some yesterday and i put it in a bowl. lo and behold. i stirred it.

i was a smart kid. that stuff is good.

ferns pressed in paper.

2008-07-01T17:23:00.002-04:00

i absolutely loathe satan. it's so strange. his lies are so deceiving and so believable. it's unnerving that i continue to fall for them. laying in bed sobbing thinking hearing that the best of my life has passed, that my father's death and my mother's illness have ruined life for me, that i can never be truly happy. they are all lies. terrible horrible lies that i have believed for way too long.

for so long, i used to put my worth in other people. in my friends. honestly, i have the best friends that i could ever ask for. they are wonderful, astounding, and beautiful people and i would not trade them for the world. however, for so long, especially in the beginning of college, i would judge my own value on them. look at who i am through them. and i was invalidating myself. i was imposing satan's lies on myself. his lies that if no one calls me or pursues me for a day, im worthless.

well sir, i am validated. my worth and my identity is in jesus christ and his worth is gold.
damon kelly, who spoke at high school camp this past may, spoke of hearing god's voice versus your own voice and satan's. he said that if the voice you are hearing is telling you terrible, hideous things that make you feel inferior, you are listening to satan. nearly every single day of my life for a year i had to pray that satan would leave me. that his lies would not penetrate me and that i could sleep.

and i did. satan flees from god. darkness does not consume light and satan will not consume me. i am so thankful for value in christ. i am so thankful for friends and for mornings. and chocolate ice cream with sprinkles. gah, awesome.

you are my alligator.

2008-06-30T23:39:00.002-04:00

time. it is such a strange thing. in the month and a half since i have posted, my life has changed so much. ive certainly got the rest that i have desired, and hopefully shall continue to do so over the course of the next month before school starts. its so strange. i always am so eager for school to get out after mid-terms, but then when summer comes, i miss studying and school so much.

but alas, my time at UT is coming to an end. i thought [but did not plan on] i was going to graduate in december '09 with two degrees. i thought i could spread things out and take more costume designing classes [that i dont necessarily need] and design some more shows for my portfolio before grad school. yet, like i said, life changes. god's plan for me is being revealed in such a strange and almost, frightening, way.

david is going to the air force. im still processing through that. in one way im excited. he is going back for his second bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. first one in creative writing, the second in engineering. cool. and related. but anyways. that means for nearly a year, we will be apart. i think that is good. it has to be good yah, thats how god works. but oh my dear gracious, it is frightening.
i have a tendency to get very lonely. and hermit-ish. i am fearful for that over the next year. i know that i will have school to distract me and i love school, but for once, i dont want to be distracted. i dont want to waste anymore time being distracted. i want to live and experience the present. and love.

gah love.

ill have a swig of your bathtub gin.

2008-05-11T00:43:00.003-04:00

twenty two years old. its memorable.

its interesting the time of the year that my birthday falls on...it happens right as school gets out...its perfect.
when i was younger. people didnt graduate. or leave. but now they do.

i had a lovely birthday, of rest. i suppose that is step one to my summer goal...rest for my heart.

my prayer for the week is to begin to cleanse my heart to rest. ah christ. that single word encompasses so much for me. so much hope that this filth that is my heart and life can be cleansed and rested.

tangent: [kinda from the first paragraph-ish]. my birthday symbolizes the end of school and rest for me, but in the past few years, as a leader, it has come to symbolize...summer camp.
in two weeks we shall be at sharptop cove..for the last time [with these girls]. and i am nostalgic. its surreal that these girls are graduating and leaving. they are beautiful inside and out and my heart yearns to see them grow in christ.

i just want to pray over these senior girls in the cspc youth group. i pray for guidance for them and for wisdom in christ. i pray for grace and love abounding and for their hearts in the coming years. i know college is such an exciting, confusing, and defining time. i love these girls so much and want them to ground themself in christ to love the world and save it.

if that makes sense.

fin.

2008-05-07T02:19:00.000-04:00

foremost, i am done. d-o-n-e. done with school for the summer.
its sad and surreal. i am quite glad that school work and stress are over, but i am going to miss working at the theatre for the summer and most of all, i am going to miss my friends that are leaving.

technically, i should be graduating, but being the un-technical person i am [not], i am, well...not.

but none of that is what is on my heart tonight.
my heart honestly bleeds for my family right now. mainly my mother and my papaw--two people that i love very dearly.
my mother has been there for me though everything, through the death of my father, through life changes and decisions, through her schizophrenia. through everything. my mother is my sister and i love her more than anything. [when i am away from her].
my mother makes it so hard for me to be christ to her. i know that that is certainly one area of my life where i could be jesus more.
i love my mother and i try to do everything in my power to aid her in any way possible, but it becomes quite complicated when she has a mental illness.

i know when my mother is sick. however, my mother does not know when she is sick. what emerges is a catch-22 where i can't help my mother when she isn't sick because well, she isn't sick. yet, when she is sick, i can't help her either because she literally makes it impossible to be around her.
and now she is moving. she is moving again because of her sickness and my heart just bleeds for her.

i often feel that i am not loving people right. that everything would solve itself if i just loved more. i try. i try so hard.

i am trying to be a woman with a heart at rest. i know that that is something that god is challenging me to do. rest in hope. thats what david did. thats what i should do.
god i wish i could rest in hope. i wish my heart would stop worrying long enough to hope...then to begin to rest in it.

and i suppose that is one thing i am thankful for. time to rest. time to hope. and time to heal.
that is what this summer shall be for me.
hopeful.

woot.

oh my chagrin.

2008-05-05T18:25:00.001-04:00

strange. its been about 3 years since i have had a regular blog, and for the strangest reason today, i thought 'yo. i'sa gonna get a newb blog.'

and i did.
and here i am.

i am in such a strange place in my life right now. i am nearly done with exams, and it is certainly bittersweet. i do not want this semester to end because i do not want to lose [in distance] some of the people that i love the most.
with the close of the school year and beginning of summer, comes parting and moving and goodbyes.

its surreal in a sense.
i remember the first day i walked into high school as a freshman. i thought that i would be there for forever. i never thought about time.

woot. tangent. time. that is something that i cannot just grasp. hand me derrida, calculus, ibsen, shakespeare, spenser, milton, even rowling and i can give you something. but honestly, time. it is just something that i dont grasp, but in a good way.
its how i see and feel the unfathomable nature of god. of goodness.
of possibility. the thought that simultaneously there are countless things going on, good and bad, that can never be re-lived or taken back or duplicated in the same fashion.
its mind blowing. its not tangible. its amazing.
jesus is not tangible. to be quite honest, jesus is just plain weird.
and i love it.
i love waywardness and i love time and i love the world that time is encompassed in.

i dont make any sense do i.